Jokes Thread

[Team Fortress Two]

Post a joke for everyone to share beautiful laughter on. Please try posting as often as you want, so people can have a laugh every now and then. Because we need to brighten up this dark and dull world. :)

Adults, on average, get 17 laughs a day; babies get around 400. And babies don't get depressed; so be like babies.

Allowed :
~ jokes / one liners
~ anti-jokes
~ pictures (are images even allowed on the forum?)
~ videos (however realize many people won't click videos, like me)
~ double posting

Nothing :
~ inappropriate / sexual
~ offensive / insulting
~ racist / blondes / yo mama / etc

If you are going to comment, please post a joke along with it. Feel free to post multiple jokes on the same post.

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How do you stop a charging rhino? Unplug it.

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What is green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.

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The Classic (for those who haven't heard it) :

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather...

Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station.

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Why couldn't Tommy pick up the bunny?

Because the bunny was schizophrenic and Tommy wasn't real.

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

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[guy] - Why did the chicken cross the road?

[friend] - uuuh..... To get to the other side?

[guy] - To get the crazy man's house.

[friend] - um... okay?

[guy] - Knock Knock.

[friend] - Who's there?

[guy] - the chicken

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children :
You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

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A New York man left the snow-filled streets of NYC for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her email address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen :

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

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student – “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?”
teacher – “Of course not.”
student – “Good, because I didn't do my homework.”

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Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

[76561198093950355]

a red head a blonde and a brunette stand on a cliff they all have to jump off and say what they want to be. the readhead jumps and yells an eagle. the brunette jumps off and yells a robin. the blonde trips on a rock and on her way off the cliff she yells crap

[5st]

3 men where walking down the sidewalk 2 walk intoo a bar and the other ducks.

[low]

A blonde runs out of her house screaming "MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE, WHAT DO I DO!?!?!?!?!?!"
Her neighbor replies, "Call 911!" The blonde runs back into her burning house, then runs back outside. "WHAT'S THE NUMBER?" she asks. Her neighbor sighs and shoots her.

[76561198093690424]

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man." Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!" Bartender says "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."

[The Chyborg]

A soldier was cooking something. When he overcooked it, it blew up.
What was he cooking?

A grenade.

[aidanc33]

time bomb beacause when he overcooked it the time was up on the timer

[♛ Revan Orion Black ♛]

A bird who lives on a farm decides he is fed up with flying south every winter and decides this year he is going to stay. So as winter comes and all the other birds fly south, he gathers some food and settles in for a nice winter. However, the weather turns too cold and he is running out of food, so he decides he better fly south. But he doesn't even make it out of the farm before his wings freeze up and he crashes to the ground. As the bird is lying on the ground, freezing to death a cow comes along and sh*ts on him. The sh*t is warm though, and the bird thaws out and begins to sing of his own salvation. The local barnyard cat, hearing the song comes along and eats the bird. There are three morals we can learn from this story.
-Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
-Not everyone who pulls you out of sh*t is your friend.
-If you're ever warm and cuddly in a pile of sh*t, don't sing

I know this joke could be well known for many of you, but this is the only one i can remember as an international user, who is not an english native speaker

[Spacewolf34]

what is red and goes up and down?

A Tomato in an elevator.

[Cametron5000]

Postat inițial de iamtheviru:

Nothing :
~ inappropriate / sexual
~ offensive / insulting
~ racist / blondes / yo mama / etc

Well that rules out all my good jokes


Ok, I'll try anyway

*Ahem*

Q: Why do they call the camel the ship of the desert
A: Because it's full of arab.... ♥♥♥♥, i'm not allowed to say that

Ok, trying again

Q: What did the constipated mathematician do?
A: He worked it out with a pencil!


Storytime

A man and his wife are lying in bed, frustratedly listening to their neighbours dog loudly barking away in their yard. After a couple hours the man says, "I can't take this anymore! Why can't those inconsiderate jerks quiet their damn dog down? I can't get any sleep at all with that thing barking constantly!"

"I know honey, me neither," said his wife, "but don't worry, I'll go take care of it." With that, she gets out of bed and approaches the door.

"Well what are you going to do?" asks the man.

"Don't you worry, I'll take care of it" She then quietly slips out of the room, and the man hears the front opening and closing quietly. A couple minutes later, the dog is still barking, yet he hears his wife opening and closing he door again to re-enter the house. When she comes back into their room he says, "well did you even do anything? The dog is still barking! If anything, it sounds even louder now."

His wife, with a sly look on her face says, "Yea, but I put it in our backyard, let's see how they like it!"

[Erased]

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."
Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

[Team Fortress Two]

Postat inițial de poodlenoodles:

Postat inițial de iamtheviru:

Nothing :
~ inappropriate / sexual
~ offensive / insulting
~ racist / blondes / yo mama / etc

Well that rules out all my good jokes

*after a long hiatus of comments, and expecting the thread to die out forever*

I put those rules because :
1) racist/blonde jokes are overused, and seem to lack creativity after reading a ton of them

2) sexual jokes are also overused, and the only "humor" they tend to have is that you are talking about sex

3) offensive jokes work because they are "offensive", yet don't "offend" you. Of course, most offensive jokes only use this aspect of humor, and not the more important ones.

[gyro]

a guy that is 24 years old go to a water park he slides down a water slide when he reaches da bottom he yells im drowning im drowing the a 5 year old comes up to him and says you are in 4 inches of water but he kept on yelling ahh help im drowing im drowning.Moral: never let 24 year olds go to water parks they dont know phisics.

[Team Fortress Two]

Postat inițial de DEMOKNIGHT:

a guy that is 24 years old go to a water park he slides down a water slide when he reaches da bottom he yells im drowning im drowing the a 5 year old comes up to him and says you are in 4 inches of water but he kept on yelling ahh help im drowing im drowning.Moral: never let 24 year olds go to water parks they dont know phisics.

No offense, but that wasn't even remotely funny.

[Cametron5000]

Knock Knock

Who's there?

George Zimmerman

George Zimmerman who?

Good, you're on the jury



HAHAHA! DEM CRAZY LAWYER JOKES!

[Team Fortress Two]

Postat inițial de poodlenoodles:

Knock Knock

Who's there?

George Zimmerman

George Zimmerman who?

Good, you're on the jury



HAHAHA! DEM CRAZY LAWYER JOKES!

nice haha