President Garrison is Back

[PresidentGarrison]

Hello, my fellow Steam users!

It’s me, your president, Mr. Garrison! After clinching the 2024 election in what I like to call the "Great Victory of Common Sense and Absolute Chaos," I figured it was time to address the REAL issues facing this country—like why the heck Steam has 87,000 sales every month, and I still can’t figure out how to sort my wishlist! The campaign trail was brutal, but now that I’m your glorious leader again, I can focus on the important things in life: video games, pigeons, and reminding people that I am, in fact, a better gamer than most of you.

First of all, why does everything here sound like a 12-year-old with a keyboard and anger issues wrote it? Did y’all miss the memo? I AM THE PRESIDENT. And as your leader, I decree that all of you need to chill the heck out. Unless you’re posting about trains—trains are majestic and perfect, and I will hear NO SLANDER against them!

Second, can we talk about video games for a second? I tried that Elden Ring game everyone’s screaming about, and I didn’t see any rings or any elves. It’s just a lot of weird skeleton guys hitting me with sticks! Why does everyone love this? Back in my day, we played Pong, and it was just two rectangles and a ball, and we LOVED it! But now, you kids have all these fancy “open worlds” and “ray tracings.” What’s a ray tracing, anyway? Sounds like something you’d catch at a tanning salon!

Also, who in the world designed the Steam UI? I was clicking buttons for 15 minutes, and somehow, I accidentally bought a dating sim where everyone is a pigeon. A PIGEON! Now I’m emotionally attached to a bird named Kevin, and I blame ALL OF YOU for this!

Lastly, let’s address the elephant in the room: why am I here? Great question! I’m here because sometimes even the President needs to escape the relentless pressure of global diplomacy and make wild, incoherent posts on a gaming forum. It’s called self-care, people!

Anyway, I have a country to run, so I’ll leave you all with this:

Someone explain what a “loot box” is, and if I can tax it.
Stop saying “git gud” to me. I’m the President; I don’t need to “git gud.”
If you see a pigeon named Kevin, tell him I’m sorry.
Now get back to whatever it is you do here—arguing about FPS counts or trading digital hats or whatever. I’ll be back when the nation’s stable... so never.

Your favorite leader,
President Mr. Garrison
P.S. Randy Marsh still owes me $20, and I’m coming for it.

[Vox]

Where is Mr Hat?

[Bunnei Bealla]

drugs are bad m'kay
uwu

[PresidentGarrison]

Originally posted by Vox:

Where is Mr Hat?

Mr. Hat? Oh, you mean my old friend who helped me run my totally normal classroom back in the day? Well, let me tell you something: Mr. Hat’s gone rogue.

After I became president (again, you’re welcome), Mr. Hat said, “Garrison, I’m out. You’ve changed, man.” Last I heard, he was living off the grid in Idaho, running a kombucha farm and writing a tell-all book called Hats Off: The Truth About Garrison.

Frankly, I think he’s just jealous of my power and my very stable genius. But if you see him, tell him I said, “Thanks for the memories, but I don’t need you anymore—I've got nuclear codes now.” 💅

[L1qu1dator]

Trains suck.

[trousers]

I hope you can do something about the Autobot and Decepticon problems the forum has been experiencing.

[PresidentGarrison]

Originally posted by whoa there:

I hope you can do something about the Autobot and Decepticon problems the forum has been experiencing.

Oh, you think I’m just sitting here, twiddling my thumbs while Autobots and Decepticons turn this forum into their personal battleground? ABSOLUTELY NOT. I’ve already declared a state of emergency, and let me tell you, this is about to become the most secure forum in the history of the internet. And guess who’s backing me up? Gabe Newell. Yeah, that’s right—I called up Gaben himself, and he’s ALL IN.

First off, Gabe and I are co-developing a new initiative called Steam Sentinel Protocol. It’s part AI, part crowbar-wielding digital enforcer, and it’s programmed to hunt down and obliterate every bot and troll in its path. Second, I’ve officially appointed Gabe as the head of the brand-new Department of Gaming. He’ll be overseeing gaming policy, bot control, and making sure nobody EVER has to deal with another bad matchmaking algorithm again. He’s practically a national treasure, so this was a no-brainer.

And don’t think we’re stopping there! Gabe and I are collaborating on a secret project to negotiate with Cybertron directly. If Optimus Prime doesn’t get in line, Gabe’s bringing Half-Life 3 as leverage—it’s THAT serious. Rest assured, with me and Gaben at the helm, this forum will be so safe, even Skynet would be like, “Nah, we’re good.”

[PresidentGarrison]

Originally posted by Restart the Cycle:

Originally posted by whoa there:

I hope you can do something about the Autobot and Decepticon problems the forum has been experiencing.

I'm pretty sure this is Starscream-in-disguise. :badNk:

Starscream-in-disguise?! Are you seriously comparing me, President Mr. Garrison, to that backstabbing, scheming Decepticon? Let me set the record straight: I’m not some petty rival like Starscream. I’m the one leading this forum with precision, intelligence, and vision—cleaning up the mess and making this a place worth visiting for everyone, whether you’re a gamer or a bot hunter.

If anything, I’m more like Optimus Garrison, ensuring the peace, leading the charge, and getting things done—no drama, just results. Starscream could never handle the responsibility of running something as important as this. He’s too busy trying to stab people in the back.

So no, I’m not some imposter. I’m the real deal—your president, and I don’t take orders from anyone. Now sit back, relax, and let me handle this. Things are about to get better around here.

[PresidentGarrison]

Originally posted by Restart the Cycle:

Originally posted by PresidentGarrison:

Starscream-in-disguise?! Are you seriously comparing me, President Mr. Garrison, to that backstabbing, scheming Decepticon?

Hmm, you do sound more like Cobra Commander... Who sounds exactly like Starscream!

Cobra Commander? Really? Let me clear that up for you, because if you think I’m anything like that second-rate, mask-wearing wannabe, you’re seriously mistaken. I don’t need a disguise to hide my brilliance, and I don’t spend my time making grandiose speeches about "world domination" just to end up failing every time. I get results.

Comparing me to Cobra Commander is like calling a diamond a rock—it just doesn’t add up. I’m here to lead, deliver, and yes, look incredibly good while doing it. The Commander can barely manage a small group of people without chaos erupting. I’m out here running a country, handling Decepticons, and still managing to be the most charismatic person in the room. Cobra Commander could never keep up with that. Try again, but you’ll find there’s no one like me.

[steven1mac]

I am sure Mr. Garrison will find a replacement over the next 4 years, perhaps someone that did a reality show, I bet nobody could tell the difference.

[Grendalcat]

Welcome back Mr. President.

[PresidentGarrison]

Originally posted by steven1mac:

I am sure Mr. Garrison will find a replacement over the next 4 years, perhaps someone that did a reality show, I bet nobody could tell the difference.

Oh, please. You think some washed-up reality show star could step in and replace me? That’s a laugh. I’m Mr. Garrison, the only one who’s truly qualified to lead this country and the world. A reality show “star” is a cheap gimmick, not someone who actually understands the complexities of leadership. You can’t just throw a pretty face in a suit and call it leadership—there’s actual work to be done.

This isn’t some ratings stunt or reality TV drama—it’s about making tough decisions, guiding the nation through chaos, and taking charge like only I can. So no, there’s no replacement for me, and no one could even come close.

[saranacX]

Who?

[Alliesaurus]

Originally posted by saranacX:

Who?

[PresidentGarrison]

Originally posted by Gargoyles:

Originally posted by saranacX:

Who?

Who do you think I am? Seriously, you're asking that? It’s President Garrison, of course! How do you not know who I am by now? I’ve been out here making history, running this country with a plan that actually makes sense. My overwhelmingly successful campaign wasn’t about pandering to everyone’s feelings—it was about fixing the real issues: getting rid of chaos, teaching kids real, practical knowledge, and bringing common sense back to government. We’re cutting out the nonsense, focusing on strong leadership and real solutions that actually move this country forward.

And if you’re still confused, don’t worry, here’s a video to refresh your memory:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ul7_PRg0hYQ

That’s right, it’s President Garrison, the only one who can truly fix this mess. You’ll get it eventually.