Favorite joke?

[oshmoo]

Bonus points for puns.

[Electric Cupcake]

Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional. "Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!" Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!" When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?" "Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!"

[devious goon]

EA

[MythlyInari]

My favorite joke is oddly a math one.

"Dad, I'm cold!"

"Well, son, sit in the corner."

"Why?"

"It's 90 degrees."

[gleofrocga]

There was a Dublin man, a Cork man, and a Kerry man. They were up for execution by a firing squad. The Cork man came up with a plan to escape by making a diversion. He shouted "Avalanche!" and the soldiers looked away and the cork man escaped. The Dublin man shouted "Bomb!" and the soldiers looked away once again, and escaped.

The Kerryman shouted "Fire!".

[Blidgu]

Opprinnelig skrevet av Keyes:

There was a Dublin man, a Cork man, and a Kerry man. They were up for execution by a firing squad. The Cork man came up with a plan to escape by making a diversion. He shouted "Avalanche!" and the soldiers looked away and the cork man escaped. The Dublin man shouted "Bomb!" and the soldiers looked away once again, and escaped.

The Kerryman shouted "Fire!".

lol

[Littlefoot]

Well, this joke is swedish, but i think you should be able to translate it without too much problem:

Nu börjar din handstil bli så bra, att man ser hur dåligt du stavar (thank Robert Gustavsson for that highly funny joke)

[DeliWitch]

jokes are yolks

[Holding These Alligators Down]

Why are tractors magic?
Because they drive down roads and turn in to fields.

Boom!

[Electric Cupcake]

Did you head about the clairvoyant midget that broke out of jail?

There's a small medium at large.

[smoka-cola]

I have a dry sense of humor.
Three men walk into a bar, an American, an Englishman, and a Scotsman.
Three flies drop dead in each of their glasses.
The American takes the fly out of his glass and flicks it away before drinking his beverage,
The Englishman pushes the glass away in disgust and orders a new one,
and the Scotsman just gulps down his drink without a care in the world.

[Electric Cupcake]

Opprinnelig skrevet av Qualimer:

I have a dry sense of humor.
Three men walk into a bar, an American, an Englishman, and a Scotsman.
Three flies drop dead in each of their glasses.
The American takes the fly out of his glass and flicks it away before drinking his beverage,
The Englishman pushes the glass away in disgust and orders a new one,
and the Scotsman just gulps down his drink without a care in the world.

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

[Electric Cupcake]

An air freight flight flying across the Pacific to Australia was also carrying five passengers: an American, A Frenchman, a German, an Englishman, and an Irishman. They'd almost reached their destination near Australia, when one of the plane's four engines caught on fire. "Don't worry!" said the pilot, as he activated the fire extinguishers and feathered the prop, "this plane was designed to fly on just two engines. We'll be fine!"
A little while later, an engine on the other wing coughed and sputtered and stopped. The plane appeared to be slowly losing altitude when the pilot came on the intercom and said: "don't worry men, this plane can still fly on two engines, but we're going to have to lighten the load."
The copilot came back into the cabin and opened a rear door. He then directed the five men in helping to jettison the crates that the plane was carrying. Once all the crates were out, he secured the door and went back to the forward cabin. The plane still appeared to be losing altitude. The pilot came back on the intercom and said, "I'm sorry gentlemen, but the plane's still too heavy and I'm going to have to ask some of you to jump out. There are parachutes in a storage cabinet. We are still over the sea, but I will radio ahead and try to have someone send a rescue boat out to get you." The copilot came back to the main cabin, dug out the parachutes from a storage cabinet, stacked them up next to the side door and opened it.
The American jumped up, grabbed a parachute, strapped it on, walked to the door, turned to the others and shouted "God Bless America!!!" and jumped out. The copilot called the pilot on the intercom, but the pilot said the plane was still too heavy. The copilot looked at the other four men and told them what the pilot said and raised his eyebrows. The Frenchman stood up, picked up a parachute and strapped it on, walked to the door, turned to the others and said, "Vive La France," and jumped out.
The copilot checked again and the pilot said the plane was still too heavy. He turned around and looked at the remaining three men. "I'm sorry guys, but someone else is going to have to jump!"
The German sighed and stood up next, strapped on a parachute, strode to the door and yelled "Deutschland Uber Alles," and without looking back, jumped out. The copilot checked with the pilot again only to hear him say they were still too heavy. The copilot looked from the Englishman to the Irishman and said, "Gentlemen, someone else has to go. You have a decision to make. I think one more just might do it!" The Irishman jumped up and said, "Not a problem!" He grabbed the Englishman by the collar, dragged him to the door and threw him out the door without a parachute, and shouted, "Up the Republic!!!"

[Mayfey]

Bad Rats.

[rgz]

courtesy of bombing[bombing.tumblr.com] on tumblr

two chemists walk into a bar. they exchange glances and right away the bartender knows where this is going. one chemist clears his throat and begins to order a “glass of h2o” while the other sits quietly, almost trembling with anticipation. the first chemist completes his order and the second opens his mouth to hit the h2o2 punchline, but before he can, his head explodes in a mass of red.

the first chemist blinks with surprise as blood, brain and skull fragments splatter all over his pristine white coat and the counter. after a stunned moment of silence, a woman screams and all hell breaks loose. the patrons begin knocking one another in a mad dash to the door as the chemists body slumps off the stool and slides to the floor. the first chemist is still too stunned to speak.

on the roof of the building across the street, the sniper racks the bolt back and sends the spent case flying as another one takes its place. exhaling, he steadies the crosshairs directly on the head of the only chemist still breathing. the bar is empty now, save for the bartender who’s been watching the scene without a word.

with wide eyes, the chemist raises his head to face the man behind the counter, only to find him staring intently at the window. he too looks behind him to the panes of glass, only to squint as the laser flits across his eyes.

"it’s nothing personal," says the bartender.
"strictly business."

the chemist whirls around just in time to see the him dip his head in a curt nod. across the street, the sniper recognizes the signal and pulls the trigger without a moments hesitation, watching dark red fill his scope for the second time that day. raising his head, he pushes himself out of prone and stretches until he feels his phone vibrate. pulling it out of his pocket, he flips it open.

"what do you want me to do with them?"

he walks to the edge and looks down at the broken window of the bar below.

"barium."

[pollym]

what is brown and steams under a piano,,,,,,beethovens last movement.