Clean Jokes

[Kiddiec͕̤̱͋̿͑͠at 🃏]

What are some good, clean jokes, that you know of?

Please remember to quote the person you are responding to in your response ~ thanks... :3 [/quote]

I eat catfood.

[Rio]

Baalorlord often does clean jokes, calls them "dad jokes", aka usually bad puns.

Like

"My neighbor shingled my roof for free
He said it was on the house"

[AustrAlien2010]

There are no good, clean jokes.
Anyway, they scientifically researched this, you know? From that research, they concluded that this was the best joke ever made.
Here we go:


Two dudes walk in a forest.
One dude his heart stops beating, and he passes out.
The other dude quickly calls 911.

Operator: "What´s your emergency?"
Dude: "My friend's heart stopped beating. He's dead. What should I do?"
Operator: "Stay calm. First, we need to make sure your friend is actually dead."
*there is a loud gunshot on the other side of the phone*
Dude: "Okay, he´s dead. What should I do now?"

[Danger]

heya kids, do you know what you call a man disguised as a racoon?
a bandit!

[Kiddiec͕̤̱͋̿͑͠at 🃏]

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[Radene]

Guy comes to the tailor, complaining that his coat is too wide around the waist, and asking how much it'd cost to make it narrower. After the tailor sets the price, the man says: "What? You rip-off, with that kind of money I could buy enough food to make it fit the other way!"

[𝕎𝔸𝕃𝕋𝔼ℝ]

What's the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

[Kiddiec͕̤̱͋̿͑͠at 🃏]

Here's another good one...

When you read my post history and realize, "someone actually took the time to write all of this junk".



...then you tell me that you read every one of my posts, to which I reply, with a look of shock and horror, "What an utter waste of time!"

( Hi, I'm Dr. Daniel Jackson! ) ((not really)) [/quote] I eat catfood.

[Birds]

Mr. Clean is a shampoo brand.

[=CrimsoN=]

Publicado originalmente por 𝕎𝔸𝕃𝕋𝔼ℝ:

What's the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

Im ashamed for having legitimately laughed at that.

[Amazerfulify]

Do you know what the ocean said to the approaching boat?

nothing,
it just waved.

[Amazerfulify]

Publicado originalmente por 𝕎𝔸𝕃𝕋𝔼ℝ:

What's the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

Lol that is a good one.

[Kiddiec͕̤̱͋̿͑͠at 🃏]

Whenever I go to Wal-mart, which... it's been a while but... I used to ask the cashier,
"Have you sold any two-by-fours today?"
They say no.
I ask the cashier, "Have you sold any plaster today?"
They say no.
I ask the cashier, "Have you sold any PRE-MADE WALLS?"
They say no.
Then I say, "Well, for Wal-mart, you guys sure aren't selling a lot of walls, now are you?" [/quote]
I eat catfood.

[Birds]

A monk told Joshu: “I have just entered the monastery. Please teach me.”
Joshu asked: “Have you eaten your rice balls?”
The monk replied: “I have eaten.”
Joshu said: “Then you had better wash your bowl.”
At that moment the monk was enlightened.

[Painkilleruk]

What do you call a belt full of watches?

A waist of time

[Kiddiec͕̤̱͋̿͑͠at 🃏]

Another one... and this is really bad...

You can ask the employees at Target if they feel safe.
Which usually results in "Yeeeeeahhh... as safe as I can be anyways... whhhhhyyyyy?"
"Well, aren't you worried you're going to get targeted?"

Real-talk, though: some of their uniforms are literally "put this target on your back", lol.


It's really bad because someone could try to make it out that you were making threats. [/quote]
I eat catfood.