I think my girlfriend is cheating on me and I don't know how to ask.

[SQUIID]

Let me rephrase, because I have told my girlfriend these feelings that I have a couple of times now.

I have been with my girlfriend for a year now, but we've known each other for about 2 years, for the last couple months maybe about 6 months i will say i have had doubt about her "love" for me and believe she is hiding something from me.

I have told her many times that I feel like something is going on behind my back, or I would simply ask if she still "loves" me and want's to continue to be with me, she always says yes and that she "doesn't want anyone else" and that no one can compare to me.

I have gone through her phone once, I did this behind her back because I didn't want her to know I was going to go through her phone, I didn't know I would either, we woke up one morning and she left the room and i'm not sure why but I woke up in a bad mood and felt sad or mad or confused about something, I don't know what, so I went through the phone but didn't notice anything suspicious, BUT she told me before about this guy named allen, which she used to do stuff with and I went on her snapchat and saw this one guy named frozone or something weird, no name of him anywhere, I went through the chats and see that they hung out before, and he texts her goodnight and stuff but in a more friendly way, not in a way that seems like they are simply just normal friends.

She told me she doesn't talk to anyone she used to talk to and I don't know what this frozone guys name is but I can only make an assumption because she tells me i'm not allowed to talk to anyone I did before her *girl* ofc and I say okay i respect that and I believe that's how it should be in a relationship anyway, I told her I wouldn't feel comfortable with it either and that would be breaking for me and the relationship or trust for me with her, I went on her instagram the same morning while she was gone and went to her following and saw some guy named frozone or whatever and his name on there appears as "Big Al" and tell me if i'm, crazy or not but I don't know any "Al" that she knows, unless ofc he uses it short for "allen".

I have not mentioned any of this and i'm also scared to do so, because maybe she will find this disrespectful that I went through her phone and will try to make herself seem like the victim, because she be asking me if I'M CHEATING and i always tell her you have my passcode, go through my phone whenever you want, BTW I'M NOT CHEATING AND NEVER HAVE.

When I Ask her stuff like this though she tends to say to me *Are you sure you're not talking to anyone else because you know what they say the accuser is always the one doing shady ♥♥♥♥ man I swear" no literally, she said that to me 20 minutes ago because I asked her a similar question to what i'm feeling right now.

Maybe i'm crazy, maybe i'm stupid or maybe i'm just overthinking, because I can be pretty good at that, but i'm scared to ask my girlfriend about this guy for one, and two I don't know if or how I can make sure she's being loyal to me, because I don't want her to think i'm insecure, or controlling, in this situation, what should I do? and how?

ALSO ONE THING TO NOTE, SHE HAS TOLD ME BEFORE IF YOU THINK I'M CHEATING THEN GO THROUGH MY PHONE SO YOU SEE I'M NOT TALKING TO ANYONE ELSE. but that doesn't mean she can't just simply delete stuff..

also a few months back I noticed on her phone *before I went through it fully for the first time* some random unsaved number was texting her and she replied "it's been 2 years bro" and the person replied "ok my bad I wont bother you no more" I don't know if this flew over my head, or if i'm stupid and letting all this happen to me, should I run? should I confront and if everything is good then just stay? idk..

[tallgeese]

Publicado originalmente por Silverlight:

Publicado originalmente por Bunnei Bealla:

yeah before I realised that this place is weenie hut juniors uwu

Incredible. Glad I have a secure and loving relationship.

mhm sure

[steven1mac]

No one here can tell you if your girlfriend is cheating or not. You could ask to see her phone, and if she willingly give it to you, odds are it is probably in your mind. Her being broke can also means that she is with your for just a place to crash until she get on her feet as easily as it means she wants a serious relationship. Either way, if you keep worrying your better off just breaking off the relationship, it would better for both of you.

[Silverlight]

Publicado originalmente por tallgeese:

Publicado originalmente por Silverlight:

Incredible. Glad I have a secure and loving relationship.

mhm sure

She got mad at me today for buying a Slim Jim because I'm supposed to be saving for our apartment together.

[tallgeese]

Publicado originalmente por Silverlight:

Publicado originalmente por tallgeese:

mhm sure

She got mad at me today for buying a Slim Jim because I'm supposed to be saving for our apartment together.

Couldn't be me.

[Silverlight]

Publicado originalmente por tallgeese:

Publicado originalmente por Silverlight:

She got mad at me today for buying a Slim Jim because I'm supposed to be saving for our apartment together.

Couldn't be me.

Good thing it wasn't.

[SQUIID]

Publicado originalmente por Xautos:

Even if she is cheating, the whole lack of trust in your partner, jealousy and snooping through her things when she finds out is going to be an easy thing for her to claim you don't trust her or her judgement in spite of her saying she wants to be with you and she can end the relationship just at that without needing to give you anything to try prove if there was something, not that it mattered any more as the motivating factor has been removed.

If you must find out if there is something going on, perhaps be more subtle about it? When you have more than rampant suspicion beyond confirmation bias and sheer jealousy driving you, you can confront her with actual evidence.

At this point if you are too afraid to come forward with your worries to her at the fear of losing her, then one day she just walks out on you while you are away, she had it planed with Al and he brings along a moving truck and a few of his friends to help move her stuff out in record time before you get back and by the time you do you are left with empty space, keys on the floor and a dear john letter on the coffee table...

You'll need to do something regardless how you feel.

But if I try to “confront” her with actual evidence she might try to play victim, like she has before again when she would tell me “ the accuser is usually the one doing the cheating” and get mad at me or something for going through her phone and I really don’t want to argue with this woman again. I don’t know how to confront her in a way that makes it seem like I’m just trying to jab at her I guess.

[Silverlight]

Publicado originalmente por Squiid:

Publicado originalmente por Xautos:

Even if she is cheating, the whole lack of trust in your partner, jealousy and snooping through her things when she finds out is going to be an easy thing for her to claim you don't trust her or her judgement in spite of her saying she wants to be with you and she can end the relationship just at that without needing to give you anything to try prove if there was something, not that it mattered any more as the motivating factor has been removed.

If you must find out if there is something going on, perhaps be more subtle about it? When you have more than rampant suspicion beyond confirmation bias and sheer jealousy driving you, you can confront her with actual evidence.

At this point if you are too afraid to come forward with your worries to her at the fear of losing her, then one day she just walks out on you while you are away, she had it planed with Al and he brings along a moving truck and a few of his friends to help move her stuff out in record time before you get back and by the time you do you are left with empty space, keys on the floor and a dear john letter on the coffee table...

You'll need to do something regardless how you feel.

But if I try to “confront” her with actual evidence she might try to play victim, like she has before again when she would tell me “ the accuser is usually the one doing the cheating” and get mad at me or something for going through her phone and I really don’t want to argue with this woman again. I don’t know how to confront her in a way that makes it seem like I’m just trying to jab at her I guess.

Don't confront her. Instead go all in. Spend more time with her. Try and engage in future plans,
Gauge her reactions.

If she's hesitant or angry then she has no future planned with you.

If she's talking to someone else it means that something about your current dynamic is lacking.

[SQUIID]

Publicado originalmente por Silverlight:

Publicado originalmente por Squiid:

But she told me before tho that if I think she’s cheating I can go through her phone right then there, wouldn’t she just delete it if it was something to be worried about? She has no clue I went through her phone though and I would tell her I don’t want to or need to but I have her passcode to her phone wouldn’t she try to hide it better at least?

Look, this hurts to hear, but since you have the passcode to the phone that means she wouldn't use the phone to send incriminating messages. Or she'd clear them out before you saw them.

Women are typically very good at things like this, and use it to their advantage.
Even if she isn't cheating now- the fact that she's contacting other men means that she is shopping for one. Trying on the idea.

You can TRY to lock it in. Get a great job. Bulk up. Take command. But she is not respecting you by treating you in a way that makes you uncomfortable.
Once a woman disrespects you once- she will again.

Publicado originalmente por Chaosolous:

You sound super insecure and unlikely to change.

Your girl would probably be better off leaving you.

This isn't untrue. An aspect of hypergamy is behavioral. Being secure in who you are is ciritcal.

But that’s why I’m also confused on what to do or how to approach it, because she would tell me to “go through my phone if you think I’m cheating” and I would tell her no I don’t want to, and when I did go through her phone she didn’t know about it and still doesn’t, and the only suspicion thing I noticed that really had me on my toes was the Al thing and little things she’s said.

[SQUIID]

Publicado originalmente por Silverlight:

Publicado originalmente por Squiid:

But if I try to “confront” her with actual evidence she might try to play victim, like she has before again when she would tell me “ the accuser is usually the one doing the cheating” and get mad at me or something for going through her phone and I really don’t want to argue with this woman again. I don’t know how to confront her in a way that makes it seem like I’m just trying to jab at her I guess.

Don't confront her. Instead go all in. Spend more time with her. Try and engage in future plans,
Gauge her reactions.

If she's hesitant or angry then she has no future planned with you.

But I would tell her all these things I want to do with her and she would tell me things she wants do with me *in the future* even going as far as saying we’ll have kids one day, our own house and farm, plenty of money and be married etc. but these could just be words and not mean anything because I’ve heard this stuff before from past partners.

[☯ Icy ᚱᛖᛞ ᛊᛟᛞᚨ▲]

Publicado originalmente por Squiid:

Publicado originalmente por Xautos:

Even if she is cheating, the whole lack of trust in your partner, jealousy and snooping through her things when she finds out is going to be an easy thing for her to claim you don't trust her or her judgement in spite of her saying she wants to be with you and she can end the relationship just at that without needing to give you anything to try prove if there was something, not that it mattered any more as the motivating factor has been removed.

If you must find out if there is something going on, perhaps be more subtle about it? When you have more than rampant suspicion beyond confirmation bias and sheer jealousy driving you, you can confront her with actual evidence.

At this point if you are too afraid to come forward with your worries to her at the fear of losing her, then one day she just walks out on you while you are away, she had it planed with Al and he brings along a moving truck and a few of his friends to help move her stuff out in record time before you get back and by the time you do you are left with empty space, keys on the floor and a dear john letter on the coffee table...

You'll need to do something regardless how you feel.

But if I try to “confront” her with actual evidence she might try to play victim, like she has before again when she would tell me “ the accuser is usually the one doing the cheating” and get mad at me or something for going through her phone and I really don’t want to argue with this woman again. I don’t know how to confront her in a way that makes it seem like I’m just trying to jab at her I guess.

sounds like shes a bit of a manipulator maybe.

[Silverlight]

Publicado originalmente por Squiid:

Publicado originalmente por Silverlight:

Don't confront her. Instead go all in. Spend more time with her. Try and engage in future plans,
Gauge her reactions.

If she's hesitant or angry then she has no future planned with you.

But I would tell her all these things I want to do with her and she would tell me things she wants do with me *in the future* even going as far as saying we’ll have kids one day, our own house and farm, plenty of money and be married etc. but these could just be words and not mean anything because I’ve heard this stuff before from past partners.

Dont make hazy plans. I'm talking real ones. Try and buy tickets to a concert next year. Start planning a vacation for some out-of-state Convention in 2025 .

Something solid. Something that can't be fudged.

Discuss it. Talk about. Doesn't have to be pricey. But it has to be real.

Reality has a way of checking the fantasy. If she's cheating she won't want to abandon the other person.

[Angel]

Either way, it seems like trust is lost on both sides.

[trousers]

Is she actually behaving any differently at all or does she just have a phone and use it lol

[Xautos]

Publicado originalmente por Silverlight:

Publicado originalmente por Squiid:

But if I try to “confront” her with actual evidence she might try to play victim, like she has before again when she would tell me “ the accuser is usually the one doing the cheating” and get mad at me or something for going through her phone and I really don’t want to argue with this woman again. I don’t know how to confront her in a way that makes it seem like I’m just trying to jab at her I guess.

Don't confront her. Instead go all in. Spend more time with her. Try and engage in future plans,
Gauge her reactions.

If she's hesitant or angry then she has no future planned with you.

If she's talking to someone else it means that something about your current dynamic is lacking.

That totally depends on the woman in question and her frame of mind, she might get suspicious about this extra attention being lavished on her and if she sees it come about how you are fishing for details.

If she already knows her current partner is extremely jealous about this affair he is thinking of and is probably already snooping through her things, and that something she probably would be thinking anyway, then she would be paying as much attention to him as he will be of her.

If anything it can make the situation untenable.

[tallgeese]

Publicado originalmente por Silverlight:

Publicado originalmente por tallgeese:

Couldn't be me.

Good thing it wasn't.

Agreed. I spend like $30 before even getting to work on coffee and breakfast, then spend like another $30 on dinner on the way back home.

Give me crap for a slim jim? Couldn't be me.