I need your opinion on this book that I've been writing for 12 years - Sneak Peek

[Getmegreek]

A brutal kick bashed into the side of his rib cage, Hadorim woke up in pitch black darkness through the frostbite wind of midnight heaven. Above his eyes through the narrow clouds as the blue moon moaned its silence of despair over the Lost Mountain. On the cliff side, five thousand feet up in the northern sky as there were howls brewing in from the far far dark Harinorth; Ser Hurdor bent over Hadorim's sleepily eyes as they were half awake between a nightmarish dream & cold harsh reality "It is late as the hour seem to be, overextended your rest I assume?". Hadorim closed his eyes & forced them open this time as he attempted to stand up but the heavy wind made him struggle. The black hair down to his upper breast plate swerved backwards to his face as it fled to the side around his neck; the sigil on his frontal armor bears the mark of a tree inflamed by the ancient fire that was once existed in this world, but now substituted by the light as new element since Lorowe appeared to the sphere of Eondea during the end of Years of Benign Flame.

"What day is it?" said Hadorim with uncertainty. Ser Hurdor's back on Hadorim flipped around with astonishment and gripped the hilt of his sword firmly, his left eyebrow intriguingly raised and snorted "You really don't remember, do you ♥♥♥♥? I can see why the king of Fallskyea sent our arses all the way out here in this ♥♥♥♥ hole. I've lost a few good men and here we are with no sign of improvement with that stupid dented head of yours." No words came to Hadorim but allowed the wind continue to howl into his ears begging for death; he wasn't fond of Ser Hurdor or any of his men as they were the most ruthless & resilient warriors in the North. Many ragged rough men stood there in half circle, opposite end away from the cliff as they held their lanterns with gentle low light of Lorowe inside of it.

They held the grudges against Hadorim because the king exiled them away to this place of damn along with the war veteran Ser Hurdor; there was no honor or respect except the lord of the Fallskyea relies on their combat skills for the secret quest. Ser Hurdor stood there once more and spat on the snow as it turned brownish, he loved chewing tobacco especially the high quality from the race of Manos, short men, who looks exactly identical as tall average race of Men from the eastern realm. "For the sake of the king, I will remind you that we are here for answers that we all long to seek. You are part of the reason why we are fated to this god forsaken mountain" Hurdor signaled his men to continue to climb the roaring peak "You were found here Hadorim and we are bringing you back to refresh your memory". Ser Hurdor went ahead and followed the trail of his men through the rappel ropes & up the steep cliff.

Hadorim could've sworn he remembered a dream deep in the abyss, but it faded away into nothingness. He was harassed by constant nightmares since he was awoken from his slumber inside the Lost Mountain when the Men found him before the Summeros Eve. Now, his fate brought him back here again with no stream of promises to solve the forbidden mystery.



§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§



Almost at the top of the Lost Mountain, Hadorim grabbed onto one of the rocks that was sturdy enough for him to take the next step. A piece of gravel tore apart aside from the Mountain and submerged from the stormy sky as the lightning cracked through the blue clouds with a monstrosity face hissing behind it. Before Hadorim realized it was aiming at him, a thunder boomed through the atmosphere as if there was an earthquake shook the air above, a murderous scream began to grow louder. One of the elite warriors was destined to his downfall as his body was directing toward Hadorim, he jumped rightwards as he pulled a dagger out and somehow his instinct instantly knew a perfect spot inside the mountain to secure his blade. He stabbed the Lost rock titan itself and bumped his head real hard. The fallen warrior soared downward by him, he begged for his men to end his life before he hit the hard bottom. Hadorim looked upwards and about to continue his journey, but an arrow zoomed by his hand and pierced into the chest of the grunt in the mid-air. The warrior faded away as his eyes closed peacefully as he descended into the lower blanket of clouds and was never seen again. Hadorim rejoined his eyes to the top of the main cliff, there Ser Hurdor held his bow with a morose look on his face and retreated from the verge. Hadorim figured that there would be death through the journey and a price to pay for, but at what cost?

Hadorim thrived to the summit at last and was tempted to peep back down. He did and regretted as another light of lightning flashed his face in the dark under the winter wind, the storm swirled around the pinnacle as if there wolfs preying among the sheep. Hadorim thought to himself "Are we the wolves or sheep?". A group of veterans waited as Hadorim approached them at the open entrance of the cavern, Ser Hurdor shouted out loud through the eerie hurricane blast, "Alright listen up! Last time we were here, it was nothing but like a picnic walk through Fallskyea, but that doesn't mean there isn't anything in this wretched cave." The warriors hurdled themselves deep into their fur armors as they held dear close to their blade, the temptation of exhaustion exposed their hearts and the will of Men were weak as the weapons were slipping from their frigid purple bruised fingers. "Each one of you committed a crime of treason to our fathers' lands, but our lord is well forgiving to pardon our sins if we don't stray away from the path of this group. It is at high moon & the hour is running out".

Ser Hurdor drew his sword from the sheath aside the hip, a beautiful Flameless steel he wielded with markings through the middle to the edge of its crafted weapon "Keep your eyes peel & shout out if you see anything that moves through the shadow!". The warriors acknowledged their captain of the squad then all eyes rested upon Hadorim with cold mountainous stares, "Most important of all, do not abandon your sight on him. I don't trust Hador or his motives wherever he is up to or not. I simply don't care, but I told the gods that I'm not going to die on this ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ mountain", said Ser Hurdor with a grump on his face with vengeful look. Hadorim didn't utter a word to them and positively agreed with a slight nod. Hador unsheathed his sword as he held it to his right foot. He doesn't know who he was or how he gotten here since the awakening from his tomb, but one thing for tonight, his heart feared no shadow beyond the pitch black cave. After all, it is the Lost Mountain as the old folks saying "For those who walk to it, those will return with forever lost souls". Hadorim knew there was no soul in his heart but didn't care because his eagerness pushed him as he disappeared into the shadowy mouth of the Lost Mountain. The veterans & Ser Hurdor were surprised by the act of his boldness, but nervously chuckled silently under their blanket of foolishness. They followed Hadorim's footsteps into the never-ending night summit.

[Abaddon the Despoiler]

Make it as a video game.

[brain stew]

I moaned thunderously with pleasure in a dewy meadow under the glistening moonlight.

[Stranger]

kinda purple. is the narrator some kind of purple prose wizard?

[NW/RL]

Originally posted by Baron Twirly von Moustache:

I moaned thunderously with pleasure in a dewy meadow under the glistening moonlight.

/thread

[The Icecream Snowman]

I'm not a literary critic or anything, but this is really overwritten. There are too many adjectives and it sounds like you're trying really hard to make it good. It doesn't flow, it doesn't sound natural.

To quote Antoine de Saint-Exupéry...
"Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away."

[Stranger]

Originally posted by The Icecream Snowman:

I'm not a literary critic or anything, but this is really overwritten. There are too many adjectives and it sounds like you're trying really hard to make it good. It doesn't flow, it doesn't sound natural.

To quote Antoine de Saint-Exupéry...
"Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away."

"perfection is nothingness; look at my imperfect words as proof"

[Getmegreek]

I'm hearing yes and no so far

[Morkonan]

Your use of adjectives is... far to frequent and often cumbersome.

Your grammar needs work. You need some practice with sentence structure and communicating what it is you mean to communicate.

You need to spend more time learning grammar and punctuation than writing at this point. You should work on basic sentence structure instead of putting in far too much work trying to make a sentence read as if it is saying something important.

"...Ser Hurdor's back on Hadorim flipped around with astonishment and gripped the hilt of his sword firmly, his left eyebrow intriguingly raised and snorted "..

I have no idea how a "back" of one person can be on another and how it can then flip around while, itself, being astonished and gripping a sword. It must have been the curious, snorting, eyebrow that caused it. See? That's not what you meant, but that is what you wrote.

You need to understand dialogue conventions as there just aren't any in your text.

There are also writing conventions you need to learn. For instance, when writing a character's internal monologue, that monologue is put into italics.

Example: Hadorim thought to himself "Are we the wolves or sheep?"


There is little in the way of the comprehensible description of a scene or character in time and place. While this isn't always necessary, an opening usually needs something to give to the reader to hold onto as they digest the rest of the opening story.

You need to read some books and guides on writing. By that, I mean the mechanics of actually constructing sentences, paragraphs, and using punctuation appropriately. And, you really need to read some books on writing stories/novels/novellettes/etc.

Here are some resources:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Elements_of_Style

https://www.amazon.com/Writing-Breakout-Novel-Insider-Fiction/dp/158297182X

https://www.amazon.com/Writing-Breakout-Novel-Workbook-Donald/dp/158297263X

(Maas is, without a doubt, one of the best writers of various guides for new writers. I recommend all his writing guides. He probably has a dozen of them under various publishers.)

https://www.amazon.com/Eats-Shoots-Leaves-Tolerance-Punctuation/dp/1592402038

(A great, easy-to-read, work about punctuation. It's a fun book. We should all eat grandma...)

https://www.amazon.com/First-Five-Pages-Writers-Rejection/dp/068485743X

(Other books in the above list also demonstrate how important it is to engage a reader and to keep them reading. But, this "First Five Pages" focuses heavily on goals you need to work on and underscores the importance of keeping a reader engaged with practical demonstrations.)


I know this isn't the brief overview that you wanted, but it's one of the sorts that you needed. If you've truly been writing things like the above passage for "12 years" then I'm going to warn you that if the rest of what you have already written should probably be thrown away. It could be possible you could use it as notes during your re-write, but I think you'd learn enough by working on your skills to see that what you've produced is not worth continuing with. If that's too difficult to face, you should hire a ghostwriter to clean it up.

Stop writing free-form, start learning, start writing with the purpose to learn common principles, then take up your narrative again when you can identify the issues you need to correct.

Advice to act on immediately:

Write three scenes. Scenes only. Fix your narrator, then describe the scene from that narrators point of view. Describe what the reader is supposed to see. Use your immediate surroundings to describe the scene you're sitting in. Note where the points of interest are or should be. Describe the things that a person seeing someone in a scene must know about that scene.

Write three short little scenes of dialogue, but make sure you write it according to appropriate dialogue conventions. You can devise your own or use the below writing prompts:

In your first, it's a simple conversation when someone meets an old friend while shopping.

In the next, it's an argument between two people that are not in a romantic or familial relationship.

In the third, an instructor is teaching a student about how to properly use a fictional device and they are in a working environment where the device is to be used.

[Triple G]

Without reading it i´d say that´s not very much for writing on it for 12 years. I wouldn´t call it book either. But then again i´m no author, not into literature, and not into reading books.

Perhaps if You print it in really big letters on really tiny pages, it could be somehow a book, which counts as art. Perhaps even some new trend. And then You see people every now and then - reading in these little books and philosophizing about it, and how it´s connected to the meaning of life.

[Y1N9]

My opinion? You might want to grab a copy of "Writing Great Fiction", a lecture series by James Hynes.
https://www.thegreatcourses.com/courses/writing-great-fiction-storytelling-tips-and-techniques

When writing an action scene, you really don't want to use run on sentences like you're doing, btw. It kills the flow. Rather, try using short expressive sentences. This allows for a rapid sequence of events, where the reader is dragged along. Here, I'll make something up on the spot to showcase what I mean:

As Jon looked across the plain silently, the glint of a sword in the distance captured his eye. "He must have been early," Jon thought to himself as he grabbed the hilt of his own sword, walking towards his opponent slowly. "I see you made it this far," the figure in the distance growled. Jon nodded silently as the two duelists squared up. The tension was palpable, both fighters anticipating the first move of the other. For a moment, there was nothing but silence. Then the clashing of steel on steel, two wills fighting for dominance in each strike.

[Getmegreek]

Originally posted by Morkonan:

Your use of adjectives is... far to frequent and often cumbersome.

Your grammar needs work. You need some practice with sentence structure and communicating what it is you mean to communicate.

You need to spend more time learning grammar and punctuation than writing at this point. You should work on basic sentence structure instead of putting in far too much work trying to make a sentence read as if it is saying something important.

"...Ser Hurdor's back on Hadorim flipped around with astonishment and gripped the hilt of his sword firmly, his left eyebrow intriguingly raised and snorted "..

I have no idea how a "back" of one person can be on another and how it can then flip around while, itself, being astonished and gripping a sword. It must have been the curious, snorting, eyebrow that caused it. See? That's not what you meant, but that is what you wrote.

You need to understand dialogue conventions as there just aren't any in your text.

There are also writing conventions you need to learn. For instance, when writing a character's internal monologue, that monologue is put into italics.

Example: Hadorim thought to himself "Are we the wolves or sheep?"


There is little in the way of the comprehensible description of a scene or character in time and place. While this isn't always necessary, an opening usually needs something to give to the reader to hold onto as they digest the rest of the opening story.

You need to read some books and guides on writing. By that, I mean the mechanics of actually constructing sentences, paragraphs, and using punctuation appropriately. And, you really need to read some books on writing stories/novels/novellettes/etc.

Here are some resources:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Elements_of_Style

https://www.amazon.com/Writing-Breakout-Novel-Insider-Fiction/dp/158297182X

https://www.amazon.com/Writing-Breakout-Novel-Workbook-Donald/dp/158297263X

(Maas is, without a doubt, one of the best writers of various guides for new writers. I recommend all his writing guides. He probably has a dozen of them under various publishers.)

https://www.amazon.com/Eats-Shoots-Leaves-Tolerance-Punctuation/dp/1592402038

(A great, easy-to-read, work about punctuation. It's a fun book. We should all eat grandma...)

https://www.amazon.com/First-Five-Pages-Writers-Rejection/dp/068485743X

(Other books in the above list also demonstrate how important it is to engage a reader and to keep them reading. But, this "First Five Pages" focuses heavily on goals you need to work on and underscores the importance of keeping a reader engaged with practical demonstrations.)


I know this isn't the brief overview that you wanted, but it's one of the sorts that you needed. If you've truly been writing things like the above passage for "12 years" then I'm going to warn you that if the rest of what you have already written should probably be thrown away. It could be possible you could use it as notes during your re-write, but I think you'd learn enough by working on your skills to see that what you've produced is not worth continuing with. If that's too difficult to face, you should hire a ghostwriter to clean it up.

Stop writing free-form, start learning, start writing with the purpose to learn common principles, then take up your narrative again when you can identify the issues you need to correct.

Advice to act on immediately:

Write three scenes. Scenes only. Fix your narrator, then describe the scene from that narrators point of view. Describe what the reader is supposed to see. Use your immediate surroundings to describe the scene you're sitting in. Note where the points of interest are or should be. Describe the things that a person seeing someone in a scene must know about that scene.

Write three short little scenes of dialogue, but make sure you write it according to appropriate dialogue conventions. You can devise your own or use the below writing prompts:

In your first, it's a simple conversation when someone meets an old friend while shopping.

In the next, it's an argument between two people that are not in a romantic or familial relationship.

In the third, an instructor is teaching a student about how to properly use a fictional device and they are in a working environment where the device is to be used.

I have never read a long paragraph and take it seriously. I appreciated the feedback

Ironically, i already wrote 3 books that barely have any adjectives in it and did the opposite as you said. Then on year 10, I just hid them in the corner and started the new version with this book with insane amount of adjectives & kill the flow as you mentioned

I guess I tried too hard to be Tolkien but I guess his words worked as they made sense to the story. I am assuming less & less people read books every year goes by, I must abandoned the old english and be more simplistic in modern terms as I should explain scene by scene simply.

[Getmegreek]

Originally posted by Y1N9:

My opinion? You might want to grab a copy of "Writing Great Fiction", a lecture series by James Hynes.
https://www.thegreatcourses.com/courses/writing-great-fiction-storytelling-tips-and-techniques

When writing an action scene, you really don't want to use run on sentences like you're doing, btw. It kills the flow. Rather, try using short expressive sentences. This allows for a rapid sequence of events, where the reader is dragged along. Here, I'll make something up on the spot to showcase what I mean:

As Jon looked across the plain silently, the glint of a sword in the distance captured his eye. "He must have been early," Jon thought to himself as he grabbed the hilt of his own sword, walking towards his opponent slowly. "I see you made it this far," the figure in the distance growled. Jon nodded silently as the two duelists squared up. The tension was palpable, both fighters anticipating the first move of the other. For a moment, there was nothing but silence. Then the clashing of steel on steel, two wills fighting for dominance in each strike.

Again, from Morokon response. I must make it simple and short, sentence by sentence

[Getmegreek]

As far as I am hearing critical feedbacks from most folks that this book is bad writing

I know this is crazy as it sounds, but give me another chance in a different chapter where I tried not to use too much adjectives & tried to be simple as possible. Please let me know if this is different at all compared to the story above

A hand slowly sauntered across the elegant chamber as it was permeated with Sandros spice during the season of Fallos. The old scrawny finger with long overdue nails yet needed to be trimmed but never-less, it landed on the tip of the Red Elf's dark nipple. There princess Niea stood before the window shutter as it was wide open; a balcony beyond it as the panorama view surrounded itself before undying awe of its majestic Elras Thrath Kingdom as it stood one of the two forested hills. An amused chuckle puffed under the white beard as it was pale of late winter. The old man, the sole race of Men not only had a prestigious privilege to serve the Red King & Elves which it was Niea's father, but also the red lord gave lordly approval to closely examine his daughter until she comes of an age to wed with another lord.

Rurbin, the vassar, one of the finest healers & surgeons across the 5 kingdoms of Lorthrim, however, the biggest pervert & sadistic creep who pleasure himself as he feasted his eyes, but kept his distance from the piercing point of Niea's scarlet breasts as she grew up in the Red Hold. Another chuckle, a louder one. Rurbin pinched and squeezed her right tit once more; harder this time with finger pressure point. Princess Niea winced in pain, but she dared not to reveal her weakness in front of Rurbin & her servants as the three ladies stood beside her. They were uncomfortable, but many times their eyes darted away when the vassar glanced over Niea's slim shoulder and glared; he was tempted to throw common Red Elves into the dungeon or shall please himself with them as to do so. Niea slowly glanced back at Rurbin as her natural dim golden eyes; thousands of words that she begged herself to curse him in the name of Deathless ancestors. For a split second, Rurbin saw the glimpse of Niea's future self, he refrained himself from showing his true color of fear & appreciated that she was a young girl for now.

His smile launched at Niea, she wanted to believe it was sweet & sincere but it was all a shadow & lies with immoral deceits. He uttered in Red Elvish language among her native presence "Despite of you as Red Bastard, you still have hope of being a babe for your father's legacy that will strive to bring peace among the 5 kingdoms", Rurbin turned to the side and reached for a silver instrumental tool of measurement to continue to examine Niea's upper torso "Any lords would be lucky to have you unless you do not know what I am talking about princess". Thrunin, my father was the lord of all Red Elves who rules in the stead of west and east across the southern continent of Lorthrim. He rules the Flameless city about 30 days journey to the east as main beacon to all lords across the realm who unites them, the Men & Red Elves under one banner for everlasting peace until the dreaded days shall come ahead. There are whispers of notions behind the enemy's lines under his very right nose where they desire to foil his royal power & cut off his precious lineage for good, but bad for our Red Family.

Finally, Niea begin to speak after all of the unnecessary touching & unpleasantness from Rurbin's filthy hands "My father's political ideals are no concern to me nor I refuse to wed with any lords as long as I breathe". The vassar gloomily looked at her as he hesitated to put down his silver tool and regained his posture "You know my dear Niea, I've watched you over the years as you grew up into a beautiful lady, but it is my deepest regrets for women like you that you simply do not have a choice whether you wish to marry or not". Rurbin packed up his medicine goods along with his tools into a leather pouch and folded it as the royal seal of Red King appeared over it "I know that you are aware of your father's dangerous days ahead. He may be immortal as your dear mother, Queen Reginent, but we do not know that if your life on the bloodline is secured or not because you . . .". Rurbin ceased his tongue abruptly and looked up at Niea as he was about to expose sour words. Niea knew he would say that as she hinted him a cold stare, but always warm beyond her golden eyes. "Yes Rurbin say it again . . . Red Bastard?" Rurbin begin to stammer but Niea over talked the foul tongue as it limped into the back of his oral bay with brown stained jagged teeth. She continue to scold him "I may not bear my father's blood, but if you want to find out that I am immortal or not. You might as well stick your finger and pray it would pierce my flesh to death. There's the answer you would receive".

Rurbin scoffed and waved his gesture at the lady servants to be excused. They bowed quickly to Niea and scuffled on the way out as the princess wished to join them. Rurbin took a step closer to Niea's face but foot in between as the spark flared out quietly "Now now, you know how many times that we've gone over this with your petty suicide stunts. But on the main contrary, there is a difference of immortality between the Red King's bloodline & the Deathless." Niea was impatient with this old noble crook "I heard this lecture before, I am not in the mood for this Rurbin." The vassar quickly cut her off and continued to exclaim "What you really want to hear is - if you have any desire to long live during the reign of your days, you must talk less & listen more. Maybe, just maybe you might get lucky to survive if you catch my Fearom's drift?". Niea didn't respond but gave him dead muted response as she slowly raised her chin then looked away as she was done with his nonsense this afternoon. Rurbin mockingly bowed to her but not forceful enough for others to notice as he suspected that there were always spies lurking everywhere in Elras Thrath. He left the room and peace arrived for Niea's solitude.

[brain stew]

Personally, I wouldn't say it's bad writing at all. Sometimes it just takes refinement to find your own balance and style.

[Morkonan]

Originally posted by Getmegreek:

...

I guess I tried too hard to be Tolkien but I guess his words worked as they made sense to the story. I am assuming less & less people read books every year goes by, I must abandoned the old english and be more simplistic in modern terms as I should explain scene by scene simply.

Thank you for responding kindly. Truly!

OK, now we can get to the meat of the issue:

You will develop your own "Voice." Do not try to "write like" anyone else. That's a fruitless exercise and you'll end up like George R. R. Martin... But, probably not as famous. :)


You can certainly write with different flavors and different voices across different books and stories. In fact, that's often demanded for a story to be well-written. But, can you just take someone else's voice and then throw it at a story? No. What would "Shakespearean Star Trek" read like? Well, most of the people would just stop reading or listening to the dialogue, that's for sure...

"What's happening, now?"

"Well, a bunch of stuff blew up," I replied. "And now they're arguing about something involving a skull, I think. But, I'm not sure, 'cause they dug it up for some reason that isn't really clear. I think there's war or something."

Read like a writer.

Do you have any favorite books or written stories? Do some of those have true literary acclaim or are well-regarded by other writers? If all that is true, then... read them like a writer. It should be pretty obvious after a chapter or two that you will be able to start seeing how that author wrote something that is so well-regarded. But, you'll have to know what to look for, first. :)

You sound as if you have a passion to express some stories. DO THAT! Seriously, I don't mean you should "stop writing" completely. But, you need to write with a purpose to tell your story in the best way you can. To do that in English, you'll have to learn and apply some rules.

"Practice" does not make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect." - While there's no such thing as a perfectly written anything, writing reams of material wrongly will not make those stories good. So, how do you learn to write more betterer?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_W-r7ABrMYU

This as well as some excerpts at the CalTech channel are some of the most inspirational for a struggling writer. Stephen King's "On Writing" book is often cited and it's a good read. But, it doesn't compare to Bradbury and his entreaty to writers to keep writing.

Watch this address to CalTech graduates. It is for you. Bradbury is talking to you and you should listen to what he has to say. :)