[BODY DYSMORPHIC DISORDER] Images of my body after losing 60lbs+ from 220lbs+ / The impact of substance abuse on the mind and body

[Rain :)]

Yeah, I'm back, and we're starting with a banger. Here is the disclosure:

This will be showing my (NON-SEXUAL) shirtless body, stretch marks, scars, etc. If you do not wish to see this, don't click on the link(s) I'll be posting underneath. This will be discussing my issues with body dysmorphic disorder, and as so, I only ask that you try try to imagine what it's like to not see a supposedly 'accurate' representation of yourself, if you don't have the disorder. I apparently see myself warped, certain features of myself are amplified in my eyes, but apparently not others. I still view my face as round, even though I'm being told it's not, I have numbers on a scale telling me I've lost an excessive amount of weight, but I still see what I used to look like in the mirror.

I hope that all makes sense. I'm gonna be pretty vulnerable here.

If I get banned for sexually explicit content, it just means the moderators think I'm hot.

So, I'll start this off by saying that I don't have any photos of myself; not even one. I was never comfortable with my body, and I'm still not. I don't have any photos with my S/O's, family, or friends that were taken or kept of my own volition. I don't have any social medias other than Steam, or YouTube. If people want to get a hold of me, they text or call me- sometimes I even get emails from friends. I've always disliked photos of myself, and if I was to guess, there's currently 0 photos of myself online that I've posted myself. This is the first in a long while.

The photos, save for a few, will be edited ONLY with the brush tool, and other tools like it for privacy reasons. My actual body wasn't the subject of editing other than a censor bar over my eyes. No contrast, no brightness, no warping, nothing like that. I'm more or less doing this because my ban just cleared, and I saw another user's post reading "We need more nice" ~ https://steamcommunity.com/discussions/forum/12/4328600722522668471/

I'm probably going to attract users that'll demonstrate why that's unfeasible on this forum with this thread in particular. That's besides the point, though.

Back when I was a heavy drinker and all-around substance abuser, I was going to high-school ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ nearly everyday. I had a metal canteen, Thermos styled, bottle I had in my backpack. It contained either Rye Whiskey, Wine, Vodka, Rum, Tequila, you name it. It was always something with an excess of 20% alcohol, 4:1 was always around 40%. I didn't smoke tobacco or cannabis during high-school. I'm an alcoholic. I had the occasional drags from friends offering me vapes, but that was the extend of my nicotine use. I also, and still do, have a crippling dependance on caffeine. As of right now, I don't drink any energy drinks. In high-school, I was having multiple Red Bulls or Monsters a day, as well as black coffee by the Tim Horton's XL.

For those who don't know- alcohol is extremely caloric. A shot of your typical 80 proof Rye Whiskey is around 100 calories. Back then, in my earlier days of drinking, I was consuming around about half of a 750ml bottle (375ml) daily, so around I was ingesting about 825 calories in alcohol alone. Combine this with eating unhealthy foods like Doritos by the bag as a meal, candy, (sugar cravings because of alcoholism) energy drinks, etc. I was always overweight. Granted, I had a bit of muscle at the time. I would bench press an excess of 300lbs, but couldn't do a pull-up to save my life.

Fast forward out of high-school, now dealing with the stress that* accompanies University/College like funds, class stress, and a general overload of courses I took, I started to do worse things. I started smoking- but not cigarettes- I started smoking cigars. What's nice about tobacco smoke is that it makes you lose weight really fast- but not when you're drinking about a full bottle daily. I also started smoking cannabis on-top of all of this. So, to recap- at this point I'm trying to balance work, University/College, a relationship, etc. with a crippling dependence on potent, unfiltered cigars, cannabis, alcohol, and caffeine. My S/O didn't smoke, so you can imagine how she felt about all of this. I ended up breaking things off, because I knew I was going downhill fast while they were an honour roll student excelling in their classes, both in high-school and University/College.

I dropped out of University/College, as I was a computer science major being taught by professors who could barely navigate the simplest of GUI's. This, coupled with my neurotic behaviour, had me removed from multiple lessons and developed a reputation for me. I would call professors "♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ idiots" and leave/get thrown out for example, when they couldn't figure out how to use the IDE they were supposed to be teaching us. I called them out for just stealing student's money, not being qualified, and barely teaching us anything because they knew about the impending AI automation we're now seeing today. I inadvertently convinced some other students to leave with me, or some agreed with me and cussed out the professors as well when I was thrown out. I learned a plethora of Comp Sci stuff from home using the internet; HTML 5, CSS, PHP, Java, JavaScript, the list goes on. I realised that there was no need for them, and so started a career as a freelance narcissist.

Fed up with my life, focused on my stable work, overwhelmed by my freelance work, I tried to drink myself to death. Ultimately, I failed, and just had the worst hangover of my life to date. This pissed me off, so I started boxing.

(I trailed off, and removed a large portion here because it would have ultimately resulted in police intervention)

After said trailing off, all you really need to know is that I had a near-death experience not of my own making, and it changed my perspective. I gave up drinking, but kept smoking cannabis and cigars. Some time later, I gave up everything but the caffeine- there's a cup of black coffee on my desk as I'm writing this- I don't think I'll ever give this up, though.

So, now that you know all of the environment stressors that were happening around me being the spitting example of "mentally ill" hopefully you can empathise a little better. Dealing with anxiety, depression, body dysmorphic disorder, neuroticism, and some others I'm probably going undiagnosed with, I continue to struggle a lot.

Anyway, what the majority of you probably came here for:

What the scale reads, as of yesterday (159lbs at 6'1") : https://drive.google.com/file/d/1rki3762Ut_QlDajpu40dLi0pKJ_FN_zw/view?usp=drive_link

What I used to look like: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1lS8sqbsnosGCZpEW-TjipnulYW4yLJzD/view?usp=drive_link

What presents itself the most when I look in the mirror (stretch marks from being overweight) :

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1bAmrpr1iG95tkJSFN7nw8rJW3ST-I6Fa/view?usp=drive_link

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1q0wqAj_o60IF17xdoxeAg88YxPdvgFDu/view?usp=drive_link

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1juYBw-wz4Kyi6pomOi9UcQW7NhjuIxGN/view?usp=drive_link

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ofPm-9l76ymoZ4enUcHHsn1vGFPNc9Bh/view?usp=drive_link

What I look like now: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1osdydWDXr7ElKWCvTJlp-foa5fqPX-8T/view?usp=drive_link

Me shirtless: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1KgaCJxUVghxeDZRrNvTnz-k10a_ynRWr/view?usp=drive_link

My hands:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/16-D4h-IJ7GlXMsZyW9UYvwWVenKEM_mu/view?usp=drive_link

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1rWUYwBH76xzeIknukJo2-ihfg_8QLfQv/view?usp=drive_link

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1f6vRwQg1-MGes_-1iQ0rsGT8_iR1z0JG/view?usp=drive_link

It's frustrating to see a number on the scale drop down, but not see it in myself. I lost about 30% of my body-weight, but I still see the same roundness in my face, the same roundness in my gut. I see scars and stretch-marks, yellow and crooked teeth, flaws and what-not. I'm learning that no matter how hard I work on myself, physically or mentally, I don't think I'll ever be satisfied with how I look- I constantly have to ask one or two close-friends to be my eyes for me. They chose those photos, and watched me edit them. They said they have trouble seeing what I do, which is also frustrating. To me, it's so clear, but apparently not to them. The mind can be a ♥♥♥♥♥ like that.

[ナルゴ (NARUGO)]

Ain't clicking that. Upload to steam as artwork and embed it in your posts like normal steam users.

[Stranger]

i have beta blocker syndrome so every lb of muscle on my body leads to about 2.2lbs of fat going on my midsection.

[BunnieBealla]

Interesting
I've never heard the experience of BDD from a (presumably) male before uwu

[Azza ☠]

I'm not going to bother take a look, but stop looking at a scale and comparing yourself.

If you want to use a scale for exercise, then you do it wearing the same thing each morning on an empty stomach after you have gone to the bathroom. Then just take the average of all those weight in for an entire week, rinse and repeat.

There's water weight. What you currently have in your stomach and processing in your gut. There's muscle gain, which weights more than fat. Various factors.

When you lose weight it doesn't start around the waist, but rather the face and then legs. Goes from the outside in. Yet your internal organs go from the inside to the out, you will lose cholesterol and fat around the organs, then your fat storage becomes softer.

All these factors can throw you off thinking you are making progress, but stick with it daily. It's other people that will notice first as your entire face structure even changes.

Don't compare yourself to others, rather a much previous version of yourself and you will see how far you have come. Then be proud of those achievements to keep going. Learn to enjoy it.

You will find there's even a trigger point the body start to crave more healthy foods and even dislikes certain junk foods, then finds exercise or jogging a natural high. It becomes addictive.

The scale can tilt either way, but it's just a matter of what side you tilt it the most each day. Don't workout hard one day of the week, then slack the rest. Rather you want to do 4-5 days out of the 7 each week. Stack the probability.

[Dracoco OwO]

Just saying i don't think it's an appropriate place to post this stuff but that suck.

[Stranger]

oh, i guess my mind also responds to rounded shapes and exaggerates or reduces them depending on what I think or feel.

the body is also constantly dilating and changing shape and size anyway, even between closing and opening your eyes.

i don't hyperfixate on my shape, or the shifting perceptions I have about it though.

it sounds like you've developed a neurological association that causes you to assume an emotive thought-process that causes you to regularly distort your appearance towards a certain end, rather than the usual fluctuations of form and perception.

[Dracoco OwO]

Originally posted by Trash:

Originally posted by Dracoco OwO:

Just saying i don't think it's an appropriate place to post this stuff but that suck.

This place is used for politics and incel posting who honestly cares anymore?

I mean i don't, but i prefer op do not run into more problems.

[Rain :)]

Originally posted by BunnieBealla:

Interesting
I've never heard the experience of BDD from a (presumably) male before uwu

Because they're not taken seriously...

I was bullied for being overweight, and ignored for losing it. Trying to talk about how I see myself now amongst others that aren't my close friends just results in them dismissing it, or cramming their "advice" that's completely irrelevant while entirely misunderstanding the disorder itself like this person:

Originally posted by Azza ☠:

I'm not going to bother take a look, but stop looking at a scale and comparing yourself.

If you want to use a scale for exercise, then you do it wearing the same thing each morning on an empty stomach after you have gone to the bathroom. Then just take the average of all those weight in for an entire week, rinse and repeat.

There's water weight. What you currently have in your stomach and processing in your gut. There's muscle gain, which weights more than fat. Various factors.

When you lose weight it doesn't start around the waist, but rather the face and then legs. Goes from the outside in. Yet your internal organs go from the inside to the out, you will lose cholesterol and fat around the organs, then your fat storage becomes softer.

All these factors can throw you off thinking you are making progress, but stick with it daily. It's other people that will notice first as your entire face structure even changes.

Don't compare yourself to others, rather a much previous version of yourself and you will see how far you have come. Then be proud of those achievements to keep going. Learn to enjoy it.

You will find there's even a trigger point the body start to crave more healthy foods and even dislikes certain junk foods, then finds exercise or jogging a natural high. It becomes addictive.

The scale can tilt either way, but it's just a matter of what side you tilt it the most each day. Don't workout hard one day of the week, then slack the rest. Rather you want to do 4-5 days out of the 7 each week. Stack the probability.

I'm sure they mean well, but this ultimately does nothing for me. I'm not sure if they even bothered reading the post tbh...

[Rain :)]

Originally posted by Dracoco OwO:

Just saying i don't think it's an appropriate place to post this stuff but that suck.

This:

Originally posted by Trash:

Originally posted by Dracoco OwO:

Just saying i don't think it's an appropriate place to post this stuff but that suck.

This place is used for politics and incel posting who honestly cares anymore?

It's off-topic, worst case-scenario I find losers calling me chubby- best case scenario I help someone who's also feeling the same way by showing them they're not the only ones suffering.

[Dracoco OwO]

Originally posted by Rain :):

Originally posted by Dracoco OwO:

Just saying i don't think it's an appropriate place to post this stuff but that suck.

This:

Originally posted by Trash:

This place is used for politics and incel posting who honestly cares anymore?

It's off-topic, worst case-scenario I find losers calling me chubby- best case scenario I help someone who's also feeling the same way by showing them they're not the only ones suffering.

I mean it's whatever i guess. Personally i have problems relating to my body of an entirely different nature but i can't say i care how others view me, maybe it's something you could try, don't forget you're losing weight for yourself not others.

[Rain :)]

Originally posted by Dracoco OwO:

I mean it's whatever i guess. Personally i have problems relating to my body of an entirely different nature but i can't say i care how others view me, maybe it's something you could try, don't forget you're losing weight for yourself not others.

This just makes me thing of this:

Originally posted by Rain :):

Originally posted by BunnieBealla:

Interesting
I've never heard the experience of BDD from a (presumably) male before uwu

Because they're not taken seriously...

I was bullied for being overweight, and ignored for losing it. Trying to talk about how I see myself now amongst others that aren't my close friends just results in them dismissing it, or cramming their "advice" that's completely irrelevant while entirely misunderstanding the disorder itself like this person:

Originally posted by Azza ☠:

I'm not going to bother take a look, but stop looking at a scale and comparing yourself.

If you want to use a scale for exercise, then you do it wearing the same thing each morning on an empty stomach after you have gone to the bathroom. Then just take the average of all those weight in for an entire week, rinse and repeat.

There's water weight. What you currently have in your stomach and processing in your gut. There's muscle gain, which weights more than fat. Various factors.

When you lose weight it doesn't start around the waist, but rather the face and then legs. Goes from the outside in. Yet your internal organs go from the inside to the out, you will lose cholesterol and fat around the organs, then your fat storage becomes softer.

All these factors can throw you off thinking you are making progress, but stick with it daily. It's other people that will notice first as your entire face structure even changes.

Don't compare yourself to others, rather a much previous version of yourself and you will see how far you have come. Then be proud of those achievements to keep going. Learn to enjoy it.

You will find there's even a trigger point the body start to crave more healthy foods and even dislikes certain junk foods, then finds exercise or jogging a natural high. It becomes addictive.

The scale can tilt either way, but it's just a matter of what side you tilt it the most each day. Don't workout hard one day of the week, then slack the rest. Rather you want to do 4-5 days out of the 7 each week. Stack the probability.

I'm sure they mean well, but this ultimately does nothing for me. I'm not sure if they even bothered reading the post tbh...

It feels like you didn't read the post. I literally cannot see the weight I'm losing, and the flaws I see are amplified more than what they really are. (according to my close friends)

I am literally only able to do it for other people, as I can't trust what it is I see

[Dracoco OwO]

Originally posted by Rain :):

Originally posted by Dracoco OwO:

I mean it's whatever i guess. Personally i have problems relating to my body of an entirely different nature but i can't say i care how others view me, maybe it's something you could try, don't forget you're losing weight for yourself not others.

This just makes me thing of this:

Originally posted by Rain :):

Because they're not taken seriously...

I was bullied for being overweight, and ignored for losing it. Trying to talk about how I see myself now amongst others that aren't my close friends just results in them dismissing it, or cramming their "advice" that's completely irrelevant while entirely misunderstanding the disorder itself like this person:



I'm sure they mean well, but this ultimately does nothing for me. I'm not sure if they even bothered reading the post tbh...

It feels like you didn't read the post. I literally cannot see the weight I'm losing, and the flaws I see are amplified more than what they really are. (according to my close friends)

I am literally only able to do it for other people, as I can't trust what it is I see

But you also say that peoples don't care so what exactly are you doing though? Like i'm saying stop being so over reliant on others opinion hence you just gonna lose it. I mean that might be too late anyways...But i mean if you do whatever is needed to effectively lose the weight you want, like a goal or whatever you fixed it should happen eventually if you respect the rules, i hope, you just gotta need some patience and dedication or whatever it is that you need then.

Not like i haven't considered what you said prior it's literally all there is to it.

[Stranger]

you see the numbers going down though, so you can see the weight being lost.

you just aren't seeing it in your body.

[↑↑↓↓←→←→BASelect]

Golo and 3 hours of exercise a day will help a lot also.

[Rain :)]

Originally posted by Stranger:

you see the numbers going down though, so you can see the weight being lost.

you just aren't seeing it in your body.

Because of that, it feels pretty worthless to me. So much of my goal of losing the weight in the first place was vanity driven- it was a slap in the face to have it all be for nothing from my perspective. I can only take other people's word for it that I look better, slimmer, etc. + being anxious leads to some distrust- It's not like people haven't lied about other people's appearances before to preserve their sanity. Women do it a lot to their girl friends from what I've seen...

We've all seen the type of girl who are a near replica of Patrick Star, while their friends who are objectively symmetrically attractive lie to them about how they look to boost their confidence with lies... Sometimes I worry I'm Patrick in that scenario, y'know?

I'm a dev/programmer, I'm very logic driven- I can see the number go down, so it's not like I don't understand that I must look different- I just don't see myself the way I apparently am. Makes the desire for escapism much worse- narcotic cravings, videogame binges, that sorta thing is amplified recently. Though, I've yet to slip and indulge in any psychoactive drugs that aren't caffeine