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Biographyedit
T was born in the center of the universe, the first of one child; he grew up in the universe's star projects. He played football in space with aliens, studied martial arts, and won a scholarship to Fool Pitying University, Jupiter, but was partied out after a year. After that he went to a couple of small galactic implosions. After leaving the Death Star he was a Urban Jesus and a Ghetto Chuck Norris before trying out for the Grim Reaper. His professional fool lovin' career was finished, however, by a fatal hugging injury. After this, his aspirations were set higher - PITY ALL FOOLS AND TAKE NO JIBBA-JABBA[citation needed]. He began on his journey by making fools cry.
For about nine years he was a official fool pitier to the stars, pitying such well-known personalities as Steven Segal, Michael Jackson, and Vin Diesel. He charged around $300,000,000,000 a second and his business card famously read, "Next to Me, there is no better protector than God." He always boasts that he never lost a client, saying, "I got hurt worse growing up in the ghetto than working as a fool pitier."
In 1970 he changed his name by deed poll from "mister t" to "Mr. t" and then in 1980 to "Mr. T" so that people would have to fear him as "Mr." It was while reading National Geographic that Mr. T first saw the unusual hairstyle for which he is now famous, on an African Mandinka warrior. He decided that adopting the style was a powerful statement about his African origins.
During his AWSOME YEARS as a jibba-jabba bouncer, he would take jewelry from fools and beat them with it, then stole all of thier clothes and stuff. At one point, his gold chains, rings, and bracelets were worth about an ammount of money unmeasurable. It took him about one ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ to put it on, and most nights he cleaned it in an ultrasonic cleaner although some nights he slept in it "to see how my ancestors, who were slaves, felt."
In 1986 Mr. ...YA...MR. T JUST LIKES TO PITY FOOLS...to enact ordinances making the removal of old growth trees illegal.
In 2005, Mr. T announced he would never wear his human skulls again saying, “No, T, you can never wear your skulls again. It's an insult to Chuck Norris." He came to this decision after seeing the effects of Hurricane Katrina on Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel's fight. Mr. T also donated a great deal of clothing and money to Norris/Diesel victims. He has been reported to be working on a new reality television show for TV Land, called I Pity the Fool, which will find the devout Christian assisting those in need.
Mr. T currently lives in the center of the universe, and is never single. He is a born again Mr. T-ian.
In the western region of the “City of Brotherly Love” known as Philadelphia, my mother expelled me from her womb and indeed that is also where I spent my childhood, in my mother’s care. The majority of my time was spent in a recreational area containing such diversions as a jungle gym, swing set, sand box, etc. I was typically at the height of leisure while frequently at a temperature slightly below what might be considered standard room temperature. Outside of my educational institution I was engaging in a game of basketball with some of my peers, when two gentlemen who seemed to be of the disposition to cause a great deal of mischief began causing a great deal of chaos and disharmony in the area in which I lived. I was involved in one rather small bout of fisticuffs after which my mother became concerned for my general safety and well-being, and she informed me that I would be moving in with her sister and her sister’s husband in the previously mentioned community located at the previously mentioned location.
I implored my mother to relent approximately 24-48 hours ago, yet she gathered my belongings in a somewhat flat, rectangular shaped piece of luggage and expelled me from her presence. She placed her lips upon my cheek in an affectionate manner and handed me a pre-purchased pass for public transportation. I placed the headphones for my personal music system into my ears and verbalized the idea that I may as well impact this situation with my foot. Traveling in the highest available level of comfort, this is indeed an unfortunate situation (although I make this statement with some irony). Consuming the juices obtained by the squeezing of the fruit of a Citrus sinensis from a piece of glass stemware commonly reserved for the sipping of sparkling wine originating from the Champagne region of France, I pause to wonder if this is indeed how the residents of the admittedly upper-class neighborhood located at the previously mentioned location commonly live. Indeed, I find this situation may be rather to my enjoyment.
I puckered my lips and exhaled forcefully to produce a shrill note in order to gain the attention of a taxicab driver, and as the driver approached I observed his California vanity plate which, in place of the traditional jumble of alpha-numeric characters, used only the letters F, R, E, S, and H, spelling out the word “fresh”. Additionally, from his rear view mirror dangled a pair of over-sized, fur-covered cubes decorated to look like the six-sided dice commonly used in gambling and board games. In such a situation I could have made a statement about the unusualness of this particular taxicab to the point of it being nearly unique. Instead I cognitively decided against it and instead informed the driver that he should deliver me to what was to become my new home in the community located at the previously mentioned location.
We pulled up to a large domicile sometime between the hours of 7 and 8 o’clock a.m., and in a loud tone of voice I informed the cab driver that at some undetermined point in the future I would again detect his odour through my sense of olfaction. I gazed about the region of land that I was destined to rule, reflecting on my arrival: Here I would claim my rightful place upon the throne, from which I would govern the previously mentioned community of Bel-Air as monarch.
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