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Sources- Being pissed off enough to where I found out how to solve it myself :)
Normally steam is set to start in big picture mode when the computer starts, but for some reason it was starting, connecting to my account, and then just showing a blank screen. You could see the cursor and hear sounds when you clicked the mouse, but no interactions of any kind with steam.
I tried the steps described above (close steam completely, disconnect wifi, start steam) and it started again in big picture mode. after failing to sign in because the wifi was off, it finally showed some actual buttons! however, there was no option to exit big picture or adjust any settings other than a few controller settings.
so I reconnected wifi, signed in again, and suddenly this time it was working as normal. no clue why. but if anyone has a similar problem, maybe it just needs this weird wifi jiggle.
btw, this was on a windows 10 pc, in the process of updating. I wouldn't be surprised if something got tweaked in the ridiculous ms update process. :P
Take my points, you saved my brother's day.