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You can't even email them?
Oh dear god no.
Email is terrible and I spent a better part of 3 years trying to convince one of our applications gropu that managing helpdesk calls with a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ inbox was not what it was designed to do. We have a fully fleshed out ticketing system with tracking, SLA, group assignments, reporting etc. And they STILL woudln't use it. I literally just turned off their inbox and forced them to use the ticketing system.
No. 8 million customers can't get through a phone line. Origin doesn't have this issue because they don't have nearly the same amount of customers.
No. Amazon is a different type of company. Valve runs their stuff differently. The long support times are a user created issue stemming from the scam links.
My problem is I can't even get through to someone. There's no email, no phone, no help desk.
Right. There are 8 million customers. Steam only has around 350 employees. They are a privately owned company. Your only option is Steam Support. Be patient they will get to you.
As for your return question.
https://support.steampowered.com/kb_article.php?ref=8360-WEJC-2625#refund
Shouldn't they have more employees then? I'm sure there could afford it with everything that they make. It's not like Valve is making new games.