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Yeah, I've reached out to them, got an open ticket about the situation, but just in case they hit me up with the 'Reinstall Steam and follow basic troubleshooting', I'd like to have more options, or at least, I'd like to know if someone else has run into the same issue before.
Something you can test out, using a DNS service like Google, or cloud flair, if nothing. Try using a VPN, it does works then this means your ISP doing something that they shouldn't be doing, and have to take it up with them. If not, then try running in Windows Safe mode with network enable, if it does work suddenly, then means something on your side messing with it.
Not sure what else to point if you did everything as you explain.
Okay so, trying the VPN didn't work, but rebooting on safe mode with networking did the trick, Steam instantly loaded as it should have and it immediately began to download stuff.
Now I just got to figure out what is conflicting with it but THANK YOU for giving me the heads up about this. I feel kind of dumb overlooking something so simple yet so effective. You're a lifesaver!
As safe mode boots your OS with minimal processes you are now burdened with the task of finding out what software or process running on your OS is causing issues with Steam.
https://support.steampowered.com/kb_article.php?ref=9828-SFLZ-9289
Well at least it's a step on the right way, and I'm just not flailing around trying to figure out what's happening. I'll start checking the programs one by one and try to narrow it down.
UPDATE: So I got rid of my antivirus to see if that process was interfering, did a Malwarebytes scan (since it worked on another, similar thread) and while it did find some threats, the issue was still left unsolved. I've got rid of some other programs that seem to interfere heavily with the startup, but I don't know for which processes to look, outside of Windows' own.
UPDATE 2: So, the Steam downloads page works as it should on Safe mode with networking, but... Everything else doesn't. Can't open the store, profile, anything. And while on normal boot, everything else works EXCEPT for the Downloads page. I'm considering to reinstall Windows altogether to try to fix this.
Well, it worked. It wiped absolutely every program on my PC but, it worked. I can't say I'm too happy with what it took but, hey, at least I just need to re-download and reinstall stuff now. But yeah, I'll be on the lookout for the culprit, if I can even find it that is.