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The below will revert Steam chat to it's previous incarnation and allow it to run on startup minimized to the tray ;)
I've written this to hopefully be as easy to follow as possible so apologies if I'm teaching you to suck eggs.
For those of you who understand this a bit more you can just cherry pick bits of this guide to suit your needs.
---Guide Starts Here---
First thing you need to do is disable Steam from launching on startup from within Steam:
With Steam open, click the Steam menu, and choose Settings.
Click on the Interface tab, and uncheck the box that says:
"Run Steam when my computer starts."
- This is cos' we're gonna make our own startup method ;)
Next create a new shortcut to Steam on your desktop, then edit the shortcut (right click choose properties) and in the "target" text box add the following flags to the end of your shortcut:
-nochatui -nofriendsui -silent
(so my target field looks like this: C:\Install\Games\Steam\Steam.exe -nochatui -nofriendsui -silent)
If your target path has spaces in the address (eg C:\Program Files\Steam\Steam.exe) then you will need to encapsulate it with quotations as Windows does not handle spaces in addresses (so "C:\Program Files\Steam\Steam.exe" -nochatui -nofriendsui -silent)
Now would be a good time to test your shortcut - close Steam if it's still running and then try out your shortcut - if it doesn't work double check everything before posting for help! :)
Next up press the Windows Key + R and to bring up the run dialog and type "shell:startup" (without quotes) hit enter and this will take you to the startup folder.
Copy and paste your shortcut here and restart your PC - your steam should be back to the way it was before Valve decided to go all Facebooky :sick:
It is annoying and an idiotic oversight not to have a setting to turn friends off on startup.