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Battle.net managed to download the entirety of WoW!
Installing all the drivers associated with my mobo from the Gigabyte site. These were ancient and I'm pretty sure Windows 10 had a good handle on things, because after installing these drivers my PC wouldn't boot even into BIOS.
Removed my CMOS battery, disconnected the hdds, removed the RAM and held down the power button to reset BIOS.
When that didn't work, I disassembled and reassembled my entire PC in case there was a loose wire.
Switched my SATA ports just in case it was a bad port.
Turned my PC back on, my BIOS was now suddenly reset and now my Steam games are downloading.
And the Intel Rapid Storage drivers are installed.
So I'm not sure what the fix was - it was either
Bad SATA port.
Loose wire somewhere in general.
MOBO was possessed and needed to reset the BIOS.
Intel SATA drivers
Perhaps this will aid someone Googling in the future... but probably not.