Five Days of Hell or, Bacon Isn't Always Good

[Jurassic Fart 3]

I recently bought a package of Hill Country Fare Maple-Flavored Bacon from HEB, a grocery chain dominating the Texas market. Hill Country Fare is their "knock-off" generic brand, and the actual manufacturer is hidden from consumers that want to buy products at bargain prices regardless of quality. Over protracted time, the label remains the same, but manufacturers change due to vagaries of contract bids.

Okay, I like bacon. Who doesn't? Veg-heads don't count—they're idiots. There is no "moral decision" in the checkout line at the supermarket. We're omnivores, designed by evolution to eat both meat and vegetation; you can't argue with millions of years of genetic refinement. You know what you call creatures that only eat plants? FOOD. I'm not food, so there.

Anyhow, I cooked the bacon. The next day, I could still smell it in the house. It was a pleasant experience…at first. Five days later, it's a different story. I can still smell it, and it's no longer so great. I think I've sworn off pancakes forever. The smell refuses to leave, like a worthless sibling smoking pot in the basement that can't keep a job.

Five days of Hell. I want to make a DLC for Postal 2. If you go to Habib's grocery and buy the maple-flavored bacon, you DIE.

I used to LOVE pancakes. Now, IHOP is going to fold. Financial empires will crash. People will leap to their deaths from skyscrapers. All because of really bad bacon.

I do have one useful suggestion for the manufacturer of this product, or rather, a question: Have you considered air fresheners of this scent? There's New Car Smell, Comfortable Rich Leather, Hawaiian Tanning Lotion, and Swiss Chocolate—why not Maple-Flavored Bacon? I'm certain there are idiots and freaks galore that would buy such a thing.

I still rather like the Postal 2 DLC idea.

[𝓒𝑨𝓢𝓢𝓲𝓔]

This made me laugh. Please write more, you've got a knack for it.

Also I just might buy maple-flavored bacon air freshener, if only to hide it somewhere in class and troll my teachers.

[Mossy Snake]

This was actually good

[Jurassic Fart 3]

Hell, they make zucchini-flavored ice cream, don't they? Yech. But, people buy. People will buy ANYTHING, and for the most RIDICULOUS prices. Run a shopping search, for instance, on superglue. You'll find sane and reasonable offers like 27¢ a tube, and then there's some maniac shipping it out for $1,200 a pop—and people are PAYING that! Sometimes I think humans are the worst thing to happen to humanity.

[𝓒𝑨𝓢𝓢𝓲𝓔]

I don't even have to go that far, just look on Steam market. People actually paid hundreds of dollars for weapon and knife skins for CS:GO. And last I heard, Dragon Lore skin was selling for over $2000.

I value quality over price. But what quality is there on such items? It's only to show off.

[Jurassic Fart 3]

Stink bombs. Stink bombs are the BEST. I once threw three stink bombs into the Teachers Lounge, you know—where they go to smoke and drink coffee (this reveals my age, because they don't allow that anymore). They were SO "urinated." I laughed for days.

[s]

bacon tastes horrible after you eat it too much

[HypersleepyNaputunia]

was it real bacon or mechanically seperated pork

[Jurassic Fart 3]

Originally posted by R Λ i D Ξ N:

I don't even have to go that far, just look on Steam market. People actually paid hundreds of dollars for weapon and knife skins for CS:GO. And last I heard, Dragon Lore skin was selling for over $2000.

I value quality over price. But what quality is there on such items? It's only to show off.

:rad_rune:

I hear ya. I have Counterstrike, but I'm not a fan of MP play. I literally don't play well with others. I'm autistic, so I have a valid excuse. Still trying to figure out how to enable bots for enemies. But, I don't pay for skins for ANYTHING. I don't buy cosmetics.

[Jurassic Fart 3]

Originally posted by Plutia'sondthedrugs🎃:

was it real bacon or mechanically seperated pork

Valid question. No telling. Makes it kinda scary. Have you read "The Sausage Factory?" It's enough to make you swear off meat forever.

[HypersleepyNaputunia]

i can point you to the youtube video of how candy gets its soft chewyness from a dumster bin of pig skins

[𝓒𝑨𝓢𝓢𝓲𝓔]

Originally posted by Trolley-Hunter:

I hear ya. I have Counterstrike, but I'm not a fan of MP play. I literally don't play well with others. I'm autistic, so I have a valid excuse. Still trying to figure out how to enable bots for enemies. But, I don't pay for skins for ANYTHING. I don't buy cosmetics.

I don't play multiplayer well either, though I do well playing medic and support classes in co-op games.

I must admit I did buy skins for champions in League of Legends, because most of them have additional visual effects when attacking, or recalling. But for a weapon that literally shoots the same way? No way.

[Jurassic Fart 3]

Originally posted by Kyubey:

i can point you to the youtube video of how candy gets its soft chewyness from a dumster bin of pig skins

I'm certain that it's hilarious. Ain't it funny how Truth can be the grossest and funniest?

This may be a little off-theme, but it's a true story: I used to live in Port Arthur, Texas, the home of one-time music great Janice Joplin, and this event was sometime around the fall of the Iron Curtain, at the close of the last century. The Port Arthur News used to run a column, "Stupidest Criminals." This one moron walked into the station and informed the desk sergeant that he wished to file a burglary report/complaint. It seems that a person or persons unknown broke into his home and stole a significant quantity of marijuana.

The desk sergeant was incredulous. "Sir, you do realize what you are doing, don't you? Are you absolutely certain that you wish to file this report?"

"Yeah, man! Some f*cker stole my pot! How the Hell am I supposed to make my rent now? Hell, yes I want to file the report! You guys need to catch this f*cker and get my pot back!"

Without any evidence but his own admission, he was arrested and convicted of Possession with Intent to Distribute. What a damned dumbass.

[Jurassic Fart 3]

@ R Λ i D Ξ N:
I have made rare exceptions to my cosmetic purchase policy. I did not pre-order Hitman, so I didn't get the Blood Money Pack which included the white suit with gloves and signature silverballers. When it went on sale, it was only five bucks, so what the hey? I loved Blood Money. It was the best.

Borderlands 2 was great, but I refused to buy the Mechromancer and Psycho classes because they were ten bucks a pop, and I ignored the countless skins packs they were selling.