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Long answer: It may take some work on both parties to get it to work. If either of you are running Windows 7 or 8, for example, then that person will likely need to download and install additional software from Microsoft to get the crossplay component to work right. Also, the exact steps for hosting/joining depends on whether the map owner is running multiplayer through the game client or through the Valheim Dedicated Server tool.
Yes. I run a Valheim server on Gportal and Steam players connect just fine. I use PC Game Pass and have no issues either.
That part of my answer was for people on Windows 7 or 8/8.1. It doesn't apply to players running Windows 10 or 11.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of things that can cause lags and disconnects, especially with Crossplay enabled. Without knowledge of your particular circumstances, it's not really feasible to advise you on how to fix it.