A very personal review/rant

[Snugglebun~]

I… I don’t even know where to begin. Like, I’ve re-written this about three times, it’s 1am and I’m not stopping writing until this is posted.

This was initially supposed to be a review. And the reason I say that is because… it feels weird to come here, literally still in tears after the ending, gushing about how perfect this game and what it did for me. But… the reason this isn’t a review is because it’s personal. This game is personal. You don’t review it or play it. You feel it. So my ‘review’ has basically become more a rant of what this game made me feel. What it did to me. What it means to me.

Honestly, after finishing it… it broke me. Split me in half and sent all the emotions connected to every memory of the last decade bursting forth. My cringy fandom days, the ‘random’ thoughts, all the drama from the last few years, the emotions coming from my own shell cracking… Every bit of it came rushing back to me. And for the first time since coming out of my shell…

i felt like me.

Around 2011, during primary school, I began having thoughts about what it’d feel like to wear a girl’s clothes. I never really questioned it, I didn’t even find it weird at any point like others would have if they had thought of stuff like that.
Around the same time, I started reading the Pokemon Manga and Yellow, after she revealed herself to be a girl, was the first time I began questioning myself- even if I didn’t realise it. Deep down, I wanted to do what she did. With just the drop of a hat, suddenly be the person I truly was.
I remember reading a webcomic around 2012 or 2013 called Sonic and Pals. I had a huge fascination with Pearl, a silver-furred fox who had a huge crush on Tails. I’d constantly place myself in situations with him as her, and I never really knew why, but it made me feel really good to just sit in bed letting my imagination run wild, seeing myself as a girl, imagining myself in romantic situations with a boy. Going back now, it’s a little embarrassing, but… I was like 10 or 11, that kinda fandom-y shipping stuff isn’t even that uncommon with kids that age nowadays, let alone back then.
I’ve been socializing online a lot since 2015 or 2016, through Steam and Discord no different to this messaging client used here. I’ve met so many people. Some awful, some nice, and some just like me. I couldn’t name half of them. But, I’ve been through a lot.
I went through a lot of drama and anxiety. But also a lot of happiness. It was an absolute rollercoaster. Hell, I still remember my roleplaying phase… I remember all the drama that came out of that. All the mistakes I made. Hell… I remember meeting someone and I made a big mistake with a relationship I was in. I thought I was crushing on someone else, but in reality I think I wanted to BE her more than anything. But I ♥♥♥♥♥♥ it up hard anyway.

I’ve been through a lot. So much good and so much bad. And this game brought all of it rushing back through me. Every moment playing it was euphoric in the purest sense. Even through all the anxiety the game threw at me, I felt the most sane, and seen, and complete that I ever have. I felt all of Alex’s anxiety, all of her happiness, all of her fear, knew all of her confusion… I felt something. I felt me. I felt real. Complete. I felt like me. I felt like… me.

I needed this game. So badly. I know the dev still reads the forum, actually. So, if you see this…

thank you.
thank you so ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ much for everything. top game of all time now, for what it's worth. <3

ps.
i never got the fanfic to 1500 words i didn't know i could actually do it and i feel bad now for not completing the game the right way

[orogols]

Thank you for sharing this <3 I definitely agree that this is a game you feel rather than only play. Having those moments of gender realization (there's probably a better term for that... not sure if gender euphoria applies here?) in relation to growing up with the internet is a really special experience. There's just a certain feeling that comes from playing these games that resonate so strongly with what you, I, and many others have felt. I know a lot of people in this generation have grown up with the internet, but I think there's also the unique experience of being in fandom-y things, online communities, etc. that is hard to describe to others who didn't do the same. I suppose that's why this is a story that works best in a video game medium, haha.

I've also been thinking a lot about the generational differences that will grow wider in some ways as time goes on. Given that Alex is a freshman in high school in 1999, she would be around 35 or 36 in 2020. Meanwhile, I was much younger than that when I was using an OS like this and I'm playing this game as someone who had my gender discoveries towards the early-mid 2010s! For myself, I think it's really interesting how I can connect with this game by piecing together an environment that I knew years before the memories of figuring my stuff out, and I wonder how future players who didn't/couldn't participate in early 2000s internet because of their age will respond. I guess that would make this a period piece.

But I digress. I'm definitely still processing this game and its story and characters a week after completion, and I probably will be for a while. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to reach out!

[Snugglebun~]

Yeah, i agree with a lot of that, but for some reason there's just something about the whole period and style that is... weirdly digestible for me, even as someone who never grew up in that time.

Maybe it's because even from a young age i was a huge tech person. I remember being obsessed with this weird candy-lookin' iBook that my Nan owned. She had a more modern Macbook at the time, the plastic one, than that- but i would constantly tinker with what i could understand on it. It was still OSX, but regardless, it was awesome.

There was always something about retro stuff i've always adored. Maybe that's why the style of the game hit me so hard. Because, even if i technically didn't grow up in that era, i... may as well have. Most of my experiences with technology weren't that of what other kids would have had. So... maybe that's it.

I'm definitely still processing it myself, as well, given how i only finished it late into last night/the night before . And i hope i will be for a long time. Ever since i finished it, i'm the happiest i've been in ages.

[orogols]

Exactly, I feel the same! I don't have much knowledge about tech so I don't have the language for a lot of the different things I have interacted with, but either way I feel so connected to that period as a part of growing up that this game just clicks.

This is definitely a game that's going to stick with you for years I think. I kind of hope that in a few years I can replay this game again and experience it both in a new and old light. I don't think I will ever have the same experience as I did playing the game for the first time, but it will be interesting to see how my perspective on the story changes as I get older...

[Razzmatazz]

Originalmente postado por orogols:

I guess that would make this a period piece.

Ouch. For someone who's around Alex's age (and was fully transported back in time to those early internet years playing this) that kinda stings. Not that you're wrong, tho...

[orogols]

Originalmente postado por Razzmatazz:

Originalmente postado por orogols:

I guess that would make this a period piece.

Ouch. For someone who's around Alex's age (and was fully transported back in time to those early internet years playing this) that kinda stings. Not that you're wrong, tho... :rfacepalm:

Haha, sorry!! I meant it more as a piece set in a specific time period, though I guess that implies it's a time long past... whoops.

But it is pretty crazy that the 20th century is 20 years ago now. Time is weird.