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you can view your relationship with others from the character tab, just make sure they have more positive than negative thinkings about you after you take their faction out, so they still like and join you. another way is through conferderatiom, form a coalition, and when they have weak military strength and in trouble, they will be willing to give up and join.
edit: for example, for bandit queen, there are one rival (the sentinal guy) and her oathsworn (the female strategist) always in her first army. kill the guy, release the strategist, make sure do not touch her in battle or you accidentially kill her since shes not legendary character. take post-capture percent increasing skill, capture bandit queen and release her. view in diplomacy if she hated someone and her relationship with others, declare war and help her kill them. basically, what the character likes you do for them, what they dont like you avoid it.
Also, when you are capturing the last settlement of some faction and you see the main general there, try not to kill him.