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Oh. Well, in that case, I suggest using a console.
Open it with ` button (below Esc and above Tab) and type in "moveto player 000A2C8F" (without the " " symbols) and press enter. She should appear next to you
#EDIT
Some people (*cough* gnewna *cough*) might come over and tell you about why you shouldn't use the console, but don't worry, that command is pretty safe
Well, yes. After you've become a thane, they will wait for you near the entrance to the building, and they will automatically speak to you. How did you miss that part?
No, not near the entrance to the house. She will wait near the exit from the Jarl's place. For example in Whiterun, Lydia will wait for you next to a pillar, in Dragonsreach
2. The housecarls for Solitude, Windhelm, Markarth and Riten appear in your home after you purchase the homes and become thane of those holds.
Edit: If you have meet the criterria for thane and they have not showed up then you have a major problem with your game.