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After a hell of a lot of tinkering I read that Citrix Workspace can cause problems with launching Steam games. I went ahead and uninstalled mine, and poof it works!
I'll have to re-install it for work of course, but I'll have to be mindful that it's an issue.
EDIT: Okay, I can further confirm that if the latest version of the Citrix Workspace app is installed NONE of my games (which are all puzzle games like this one) will launch. Furthermore, you don't actually have to have Citrix running for it to be a problem. All it has to do is just be there. So if you use Citrix, either uninstall it before trying to play or brace yourself for it to not work. It MAY work with older games/software but I'm not sure.
Thanks for this info. I just installed the game yesterday on my new pc and it hasn't been able to load. Now I know it's the Citrix app I have installed for work. Ugh. <3