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It's best one of you start the server because you can see at a glance who the host is in the list of servers. So figure you'll have to just click through the pages of servers and find the one your friend is hosting.
Keep in mind, if you start the game and click multiplayer find server and it is empty, try just hitting the refresh button on the servers. I find I have to do this almost every time I load the game. Anyone who hasn't been on this thing for years might not think to click that refresh button and they might think the game is solidly dead and no players exist.
Kind of seems like a pretty important thing to iron out huh? First impressions being what they are and all.