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https://en.uesp.net/wiki/Skyrim:Inheritance
There’s this vampiric couple working at a lumber mill near river wood I just bought wood from them cause they were close.
A dragon killed the wife and I received and inheritance letter saying I was a friend of theirs.
I was like really? A good patron maybe but a friend hardly.
Trading with merchants increases their relationship stat with you. That's probably why you got a letter from one of them. Even giving food to farmers is sufficient to increase their relationship with you (you often need to do this to become thane of Falkreath due to how few npcs there are in that town).
Those must be optional actions. None of my actions in Falkreath involved farmers and I don't think the werewolf one counted. The Thane's quest to kill the bandits doesn't count either, it's just the prerequisite for buying a homestead, right?
As for quests in falkreath, doing Barbas' quest does count, as long as you go back to talk to Lod. Though simply buying and selling stuff with him will also work. The problem with falkreath is there isn't too many npcs, virtually none of them are essential, and falkreath is an unwalled city that happens to be located REALLY close to a spot where dragons spawn in the game. This all means its really easy for a dragon attack to exterminate enough npcs where you can't become possibly thane of falkreath. Not that being a thane really means much anyway, unless you just really want the follower that comes with the title for some reason.
My experience was carry remains, steal a note, kill a vampire. The bandit quest from the Jarl was to qualify to buy the land.
I haven't done Dragonborn or even killed any dragons in awhile in any games and i always get the courier's note at level 9. Sometimes the courier appears as soon as I exit a building after hitting the level indoors like at a merchant.