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Just after we see the gravestone, "fog ... even thicker than it was ealier." Should be "earlier".
During the first conversation with Coraline, if she had the use of both her hands, she would have "hit Emmeline upside for the head." Good grief. Misappropriation of culture, anachronism, and grammar errors in a single phrase. Try "struck Emmeline" or "struck Emmeline sharply in the face" if you want to stay in period.
Emmeline says "Gosh! You sound more and more like your mother..." I don't believe the word Gosh was widely in use in England at that time, I think that Emmeline would have said "Goodness" instead.
Emmeline chides Coraline about not understanding the "scared art of the cross stitch." I think I'd be scared myself, having heard about Coraline's skill level, but I think what Emmeline meant was "sacred".
And Coraline accuses Emmeline of not loving her, but "only loving toying her." Given what we know of their relationship so far, that's more a someday thing, and I really don't want to go there just yet. A better use would be "toying with her".
And yes, my father was an editor. Why do you ask? <grin>
As the tickle fight proceeds, "an autumnal chill set into the air." I think "settled" probably is closer to the idiom.
Back in the graveyard, Emmeline says "Of course I did not know that, but I learned about it in due course." Using the same word twice in a sentence is usually frowned upon; I'd change the end of that to "in due time".
Talking about her father, Emmeline says "it sounds cliché, but..." That should be either "it sounds like a cliché" or "it sounds clichéd". The former is closer to idiom.
She also says "and was the end of that." In violation of the rule I mentioned just above, the idiom seems to be "and that was the end of that."
Mention of "kisses that felt like carbonation" may be anachronistic; I don't know if carbonation was done on a large scale then. A better choice would be "like bubbling spa water", that being natural carbonation.
A hundred and fifty years hence? I rather think not, hence means future. Past or ago would fit better.
And I can't help thinking that "snuck" is a modern invention. Try "sneaked kisses" instead.
Enough for now?
The next one is trivial -- after the wedding scene, Emmeline says "Hey, Cornelia!" While I don't doubt that "hey" was used, I think that a girl of that age and era would be more likely to use "Say". But that one is only a judgement call.
Cornelia says "I wouldn't be adverse to that." It's a fine shading of meaning, but "averse" is the usual term used there.
After the credits, Toma says that the sky is dark up ahead. That's... in front of her? Probably you meant "overhead".
There are a bunch of them in the extra scene as well. Emmeline says "Gothic is very vogue", which is not grammatically correct; I think we'd be looking at "very much in vogue".
Death has a "tendency to cease one's ability", says Emmeline, about Wordsworth; you probably want to use "curtail" there, instead of "cease", if you want to keep the droll tone.
Coraline, talking about how Emmeline will leave bruises, ends the sentence with "that that."
Emmeline says that if Coraline's mother "caught" her, she "may" react. Those two should agree in tense; if you use "caught", you should also use "might". If you use "catches", you can use "may".
And finally, a typo, where Emmeline says "refering to father". That should be "referring", I think.
And now I'll shut up.
edit: And even I make typos.
I'd go back and recheck, but it's a powerful story and I don't think I'm ready for that yet.
At the very beginning of the game, when Toma is describing the background of how her name was stolen, she explains how Aunt Kathryn did everything first, including "piece her ears", which I think you meant to say "pierce".
A few sentences later, she says "it never has done". Adding "done" to the end of that makes the sentence seem strange to me. I believe "it never has" is sufficient.
Then the next sentence, it begins with "if'd". I've never heard of that contraction being used, but you've probably done more research so if you've found usage of it, then I'm not arguing!
A few more sentences later, "not just the cemetery in here", I believe it should be "not just the cemetary here". By saying "in here", it's indicating a more narrow and isolated space, most of the time within a room or house, etc. You can also rephrase it like so: "Not just the cemetery here, in Barrowby All Saints". I feel like the latter flows better.
Still within the background intro, "you want to see real evidence of your ancestor's past lives for yourself", it should be "ancestors' " with the apostrophe being at the end, as she is referring to more than one ancestor.
When Toma is recalling how she and her mother looked for graves, she explains how she is usually able to find them. However, she says this multiple times, which makes it seem redundant. She says how she is "able to beat her [mother] nine times out of ten"; then "I was usually right", when she is explaining how she might have inherited something from Rose Bradford; and finally, "I was almost always right", when she says she went out looking for graves with her mother. I think the best line to remove would be the middle, as that paragraph already starts out explaining what she is talking about. It is already implied without needing to explicitly say she is usually right.
"St. Hugh's college", the word college should be capitalized as it is part of the name in the instance it is used.
"Maybe that's why I do something I rarely ever do". The wording of this is awkward. I would rephrase it to "Maybe that's why I'm doing something I rarely ever do."
When Toma meets the mystery girl in the cemetery she says "You don't go to St. Hughes, do you?" The spelling of the college doesn't match when it was previously mentioned.
While Toma is talking to Emily, "It's a enough common name". The phrasing comes off very awkward. I think it would be better as "It's a common enough of a name." But if you'd rather keep it as is, then "a" should still be changed to "an".
Still during the conversation with Emily, "I don't like answering this question, though. I never have done." Like previously mentioned, it sounds strange adding "done" at the end.
At first, Toma is the one to look at the defiled grave with the words "GOD IS DEAD" written on it. Later on, it is mentioned again, but this time it says Emily looks at it. In the second instance it says "Emily looks back" at the grave. By saying "back", it implies she has looked at it before, during the conversation with Toma, so I'm not sure if you meant that Toma looked at the grave again, or rather Emily is looking at it, after Toma first looked. If it's the latter, then I would rephrase it to make it more clear with something like "Emily follows Toma's gaze to..." so and so, or something you'd prefer instead.
Toma thinks "I always run away from my problems. I have done ever since I was a child." Similar to the above examples, I think adding the word "so" after "done" would make it seem more natural.
"It juts out of the grass like a tooth from a gum". When gums are mentioned, the form is usually plural. "From the gums" would be more fitting.
When Toma mentions gravestones, she jumps back and forth and calls them both tombstones and gravestones. I don't think there's anything wrong with calling them either, but I just wanted to point out the inconsistency regardless, just as a note.
Toma mentions how the gravestone that Emily directs her towards is written in cursive script, which hurts her eyes, but then an image is shown of the gravestone and all of the words/names are written in block (or print).
"When I next speak, my voice is barely whisper", I believe "barely a whisper" is what was intended.
"He looked back at her, and Emmeline could tell, despite the dark, that he was just as suprised - if not more than - she was." The word "than" should be after the em dash.
I forget where, but I remember Emmeline describes her father, she mentions his age. I believe there wasn't a hyphen between forty-four.
"You were my one and only, and I want to be the same for you!", spoken by Emmeline to Cornelia, "and I wanted to be the same for you" would be more accurate and to maintance the grammatical tense.
"I might never see them again - not now she's passed on to the 'other' side", there should be something between "now" and "she's" such as "...not now, since..." or "...not now, that...".
And lastly, the typo that Chazz mentions at the end of his previous post.
Having said all that, I really did enjoy this game, from the lovely story, to the art and music as well! Great job all around~
These three share the same pattern. Placing the "done" in the text that way is a British turn of phrase, and somewhat archaic, so it would seem more likely that they should be things that Emma, rather than Toma, says; however, in my opinion they are not out of place and should be kept.
Actually, the least awkward phrasing would simply involve changing the word order: "It's a common enough name."
I think in this case "back" is meant to imply "over her shoulder" rather than "again", and as such I'd leave it.
Did you miss the misspelling of "surprised"? Or did you typo that?
Again, the use here is British and somewhat archaic, and seems to fit better as it is. I'd leave it.
Of course, all of these are matters of opinion, and it is up to the author to choose his preferred patterns. But even with these little text glitches, the story is a fine one, and the art and the music are excellent. It's a shame that it is so hard to find these little gems in the maelstrom of Steam.
Well I think it depends on what was really meant to be said. We both can't be entirely sure since we weren't the ones who wrote it. But even if it meant to look behind her, it seems farfetched that Emily (just using the name that she was going by at the time so it's less confusing, hopefully) would look at that specific gravestone coincidentally that Toma looked at just moments before, especially when Emily didn't look at it because she saw Toma looking at it. I understand that not every single action that the characters perform is told to the player but for something so specific as that, and without the conversation prompting Emily to look at that gravestone, it doesn't make sense for her to do so unless she saw Toma looking at it. I guess just the lack of clarity is what's causing confusion. At least to me.
I don't remember that being misspelled so that was most likely me. Whoops!
Completely agreed. I was just offering my opinion; I wasn't saying ebihime had to make any changes if they didn't feel the need to do so. I also don't feel like any of the aforementioned problems took anything away from the overall experience at all. I definitely enjoyed this VN.
As for the 'never has done', putting 'done' at the end of sentences like that doesn't even seem archaic to me, I talk and write like that... I didn't know it was a uniquely British thing XD;
And when I wrote 'back' I meant it as in 'back over her shoulder'.
It is your choice always, ebihime, but if the ambiguity of "back" bothers you, you could always change that to "behind her" or "behind herself"... or change "looks back at" to "glances at", taking the directional / time ambiguity completely out. If it was me, I'd leave it: a little ambiguity never hurts.
It's mentioned that the gravestone Emma directs Toma to is written in cursive script, and not only is cursive almost unheard of on gravestones of that era -- it's very difficult to engrave cursive into stone -- but the drawing is, as notonion points out, block characters. Rather than rework the drawing to make the text cursive, you could instead have Toma note that the text was not deeply engraved and had almost worn away. Which, in my humble opinion, is somewhat more likely with the way the story falls out. Given their circumstances, isn't it likely that the least expensive option would be taken for a grave marker? A softer, easier to engrave but faster-wearing stone and the cheapest (block letters, shallow engraving) text?
And an apology. Elsewhere I seem to recall that you mention that you're a girl. I have referred to "the author" as "he" above, I think. If my assumption of gender has offended, I am sorry.