📺 Pick Me, Pick Me! — Part 2: Monetization Harder

[Jaquo Da Jester]

"The Family Guy Sequel They Hoped Would Never Drop!"

🎶 [Kazoo returns, now backed by war drums and a sad accordion]

"They said they’d fix it, but gave you a pass..."
"Now Peter’s back—and ready to blast!"

🎶 Pick Me, Pick Me!—THE CASH GRAB CONTINUES! 🎶

[Scene: Peter at his PC, eyes bloodshot, reading the dev update like it owes him alimony.]

Peter: “Oh sweet! A dev update! Maybe they made the PvP fair.”

[Reads aloud.]

💬 ‘We increased Date Tickets from 2 to 5!’
💬 ‘Monthly Pass for $9.99 includes unlimited PvP!’
💬 ‘Buy Cash to play more!’

Peter: “…So you heard the complaints and said, ‘What if we charge more but smile about it?’ That’s like saying ‘Sorry I hit you—now hold still while I use both fists.’”

[Cutaway: Peter at a restaurant]

Waiter: “Here’s your appetizer.”

Peter: “I didn’t order anything yet.”

Waiter: “That’s $4.99. The fork costs extra.”

Peter: “…Do I at least get to look at the menu?”

Waiter: “VIPs only.”

[Scene: Stewie and Brian, calculators in hand, eyes dead inside.]

Stewie: So let me get this straight:
"No tickets? Use cash."
"No cash? Buy more."
"No patience? Get VIP."

Brian: “It’s not a game—it’s a romantic slot machine with a thirst trap UI.”

[Scene: Quagmire opening the Monthly Pass envelope.]

Quagmire: “Giggity—unlimited PvP? All it cost me was my dignity and $9.99?”

Lois (off-screen): “Just don’t hit ‘It’s On Me.’ That’s how they really get you.”

[Meg tries to enter PvP.]

Meg: “I saved up 50 cash! I can finally play—”

[Pop-up: ‘Insufficient Funds. Please purchase Vault for $49.99.’]

Peter (walking by): “Even the IRS has payment plans. This game just takes your lunch and charges you for the napkin.”

[Scene: Peter reading the last part of the dev note.]

💬 ‘We’re a small indie team!’
💬 ‘LLMs cost real money!’

Peter: “So does toothpaste. I don’t call it ‘innovative mint monetization’ when I use it.”

[Final Scene: Everyone staring at the screen—broke, confused, emotionally violated.]

Peter: “This game sucks harder than a Roomba at a glitter rave.”

🎶 Pick Me, Pick Me!—Now Featuring Enhanced Regret Mechanics™! 🎶
🎶 Where love is war... and you're billed for every bullet. 🎶