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The attrition is effected by a lot of things, mainly ethics and traditions but the number of claims the type of war goals and the difference in technology all effect the attrition rate. There maybe more as well but that's all I can think of off the top of my head.
War exhaustion is generated from lost ships and captured planets. It's likely that you've lost a lot more ships than they did and their civics are preventing further exhaustion.
If the war exhaustion is that high, you could just accept a status quo peace. You'll lose any territories that they've captured that they have claimed, but they won't succeed in their war goal and you won't get a debuff.
War exhaustion is a clock that starts ticking the day the war starts. The speed with which the clock ticks changes depending on your society. A more militaristic society may grow fatigued with war slower than a pacifistic one does. Certain technologies and civics affect war exhaustion as well as random events, bonuses, etc.
There are events that accelerate the clock - primarily losing ships. If you want to force someone out of the war from war exhaustion, the goal is to target their ships and kill those ships faster than they kill yours. If you don't have bonuses slowing your war exhaustion and your opponent does, this is the way to get out of a war you don't want to be in fairly quickly.
It is difficult and wasteful to force every war to a full surrender by your opponent. Most wars end with a "status quo" that lets everyone keep what they've conquered up to that point (provided they've asserted a claim to it).
So one way I will often fight my wars is I wait for the first half of the war for them to come to me, slap their ships around, raise their war exhaustion as high as I can. Then, i go on the offensive in the second half of the war. All that time, you just let your influence build. Then, when war exhaustion starts getting near 100%, I look at the systems I've occupied and assert claims to the ones I most want to keep, then settle status quo.
If you're the junior partner in a war, though, be much more protective of your territory. If you push the enemy out of an AI ally's territory, they'll go for a status quo peace, even if you have territory of your own you still wanted to liberate. Defensive wars are a lot like airplane crashes - make sure your territory is fully secured before you help your ally.
A reminder that claims cost more while you are in a war, I wouldn't recommend this unless you only want one or two systems it would be a waste of influence that could be used for something else.
They cost more, but you're not making speculative investments either. If you wait till the closing days of the war to assert the claims (which, since they're not asserted at the start of the war, means that their unclaimed status is already baked into this scenario), you get exactly the systems you want that you already control. If you really want the systems upspin and it turns out you end up spending more energy than you expected fending off an aggressive assault from downspin, you've wasted a bunch of influence laying claim to systems you didn't get. It makes it harder to peace out of the war, too, since untaken claims will prevent the AI from surrendering unconditionally.
So yeah, higher price per system but you gain more control over when and how you exit the war and you don't blow a bunch of influence on systems that circumstances prevent you from taking.
Edit: oh and when defending you don't pay more influence. Playing peaceful this is the only way to make claims.
If you're planning the war (which the OP's scenario is not - it's a defensive war against a stronger opponent), then by all means lay claim to the systems you want before you declare the war. But just casually laying claims to all adjacent systems is not a way to make nice with those neighbors.