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Disable them completely because they offer nothing good gameplay-wise.
If it wasn't that then the difficulty was too high and you didn't prepare enough.
10K fleets though? Sounds like an Advanced Empire, though that's a LOT even then so not sure what's going on there.. anyway I would concur that you should turn them off in game start options, they're only for players who want to lose and have an interesting story about it. Or at least, set it so they do not spawn near you. They're more manageable in the midgame but early on there's simply no way.
So you can turn it down to cadet if ensign is too much. 45 years in is not the very beginning of the of the game.
I just set up ANOTHER save, where I had 3 empires next to me randomly decide to wage war on me when I set the hostility to off, turned off advanced neighbors, and they still manage to defeat my entire fleet.