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Parrying also isn't laggy. Looking at my keyboard inputs using NohBoard, I can see that the parry comes out on the same frame or a frame before the key is shown to be pressed, which shows the same snappiness as jumping.
And yeah, it's true that you can't do something like instantly parry as you jump (unless you're using P. Sugar), but that's just a given considering the mechanic, and nor is it a bad thing.
If you're having trouble parrying from below, you're either not inputting fast enough, or simply too close to the object, in which case you should've anticipated things more.
I recommend trying not to time the parry as you hit something, but just before.
I wouldn't want to take an essential resource from an incel, what would you wipe off your hentai pillow with?