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Another possible fix might be updating your controller drivers.
So like, the game was opened with the XBox controller already connected. At this point, it wouldn't get detected at all, no button inputs would do anything, and the in-game button prompts all referred to the keyboard.
Plugging it out and back in made it actually work completely out of nowhere. But oddly enough, nothing would change when I reconnected the controller before actually starting the game. It has to be while it's running, otherwise, nothing happens. Also, it has to be after 'pressing any button' in the title screen, when you're in the menu.