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Some traits take an awful long grind. Also some quests/actions will decrease stats you are working towards for as well.
Well, as it says on the page;
Note: The trait value thresholds for each trait level are -4000 (-2), -1000 (-1), 0 (0), 1000 (1), and 4000 (2).
Mercy would need 1000 points... to get...
And when you start look at the multiple personality traits, and what is needed. There is a huge grind for some.
Execute a lord, and its -1000 pts on Honor.
Like, you would need to do the "Village need seeds" quest like 15 times to get to Mercy.
But what I can't figure out is whether they freaking do anything.
Lords attitude towards you of same or opposite traits I guess. Something you see in the persuation game when you try to recruit lords too.
This might be the source of your frustration. Not saying the wiki is wrong, but it is a wiki, with all that entails.
Looking over what you can gain for and what you can loose points for there. I don't think it's complete. So if you are doing a lot of stuff you know you gain points for, but at same time might do things you loose points for without knowing, you just end up thread water.
i can never get a trait
only trait i can get is the one when you kill another lord
all you need do is kill 1 lord to get that trait
In summary: Valor is broken, doesn't work at all. Honor works somewhat, but it's not logical. Calculating does not work at all. Mercy works, but it's a huge grind. Generosity works.
As for the negative trait pop ups, you get -honor every time a quest fails, even if you thought you did the right thing (for example letting villagers daughter escape with his man) and -30 mercy every time you finish a village raid, but if you leave before finishing there is no penalty. So do whatever you want, just don't execute anyone, fail a quest or complete a raid on a village.
Also, I've always managed to get Honorable (by doing 'Deliver the herd' quests), Merciful ('Village needs grain' quest) and Generous (food variety, but it takes years)