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Your mistake seems to be thinking that you're supposed to beeline for a kingdom and paint the map and that's the game. The game is for roleplaying. You get steamrolled because you're the most powerful nation and everyone unites against you? Great, you have more things to do.
some play undependent clan and take all rebell fiefs + war against weak factions.
some play king and recruit all clans without a fief. (a faction without any clans cant damage you in war)
The secret is:
Don't Start a Kingdom until you are ready for all out war and you already been murdering people so their Armies are going to be smaller and weaker,
Once you have laid out this groundwork and have some Towns/Castles but no Kingdom yet, the game is extremely easy to conquer & dominate
just have to engage in a full depopulation agenda, like the WEF does
Recently I Destroyed an Entire Kingdom by Killing every single person in their Clan
if you intend on doing it the fun way of constant war and obviously you by now noticed the game lacks in proper diplomacy and buying all the towns is lame, so war and murder is the only real fun option left, unless you want to become someone elses lapdog, that is an option too, conquer the world for another Kingdom as their Vassal
Start trampling smaller kingdoms and taking real estate until you can take on the bigger ones, at the time you have enough nobles, start taking the heads off the enemy country
You can beat the main quest, but why bother? You don't get anything, the banner sucks, and the cool kids know that the main quest is fubar and no fun at all, so they ignore it.
It's not linear though? That's not victory. You don't get a "GAME OVER, YOU WIN" when you become king and paint the map. There is no win state. You "win" by being done with that character.