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2- Leave kingdom while giving back fiefs: Didnt try this but I guess it will cause like -15 relation loss and you are free once again.
There is no "ruined" in Bannerlord. Trust me. The key factor in Success is your main character. If you build a decent dude to level 28 or so.. and have THE RIGHT focus (stuff for running a kingdom, not just stupid sword skill, so u can win a tourny easier).. Then you can NOT be hurt too badly in game.
You could be in year 20 of game.. and Lose everything, all your gear, all your gold, all your family, all your fiefs etc... and still recover. AND QUICKLY. since u are higher clan tier, and have much much better stats now. In a year you could probably have everything back and more. MUCH more.
So, no, your game is not RUINED.
Personally I'd not worry too much about losing money in wars. You should be focused on protecting YOUR fiefs, and getting your economy top notch.
Once your economy is the strongest in game (super super super easy to do). Then you can decide "hey, I protect my fiefs until I wanna backstab my kingdom"... Then leave and take your fiefs.. The relation hit is a joke. A serious joke. This is not Warband. (the old game, where relation was a nightmare to recover). a -100 hit in bannerlord (it isn't that bad), can be overcome with a few captures/releases of the lords. And you get massive charm for releasing them (charm is key skill in game, if u want to own and run your own kingdom, late game.... you NEED tons of influence later).
Or you can decide "bah, now I'm cranky at everyone else.. I wanna stick it out with my weak king, and his stupidity. I'll DONATE MILLIONS to him, and his vassals". When you donate money to the king he spends it on massive amounts of merceneries. When u donate to vassals, they FINALLY upgrade some troops, and fill a few garrisons a bit more.
In other words, u being rich, and giving them money, makes it much easier.
Sadly, the king will still be a moron, and u will be back in this same spot shortly. The AI is terrible in campaign map. you need to run your own kingdom if u want to own everything.
have fun.