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Aid lords in battle (even against looters counts)
Donate all your prisoners to their fiefs
Just trade with them and give them cash
You said that you're a vassal with Vlandia. You can't recruit other lords unless you control your own kingdom.
20+ charm will give you a chance to sway them, providing other things are in your favour. They would need to have worse relations with their current king and they shouldn't have any property that they would have to sacrifice.
I haven't played for a while, but I do read the threads and I haven't seen any mention of that change. It is possible that it's always been that way and I missed it, but it doesn't make sense that a single clan is able to recruit lords when lords only belong to factions. No, the more I think about it, there is no way you can recruit lords until you control a kingdom.
I think the relationship the lord has with his kingdom leader is more important that his relationship with you. Also the number of fiefs he has may be the biggest factor in recruiting him. I don't know if there is a certain relation number needed to get to the charm dialog, but I believe higher charm helps in your chances.
Also, there is no reason to release all the lords you capture. You ain't gonna hire every clan in the game so take some time and look at the different lords and clans and don't release lords from tier 5 clans or those that have 3 or more fiefs or any clan you don't think you will recruit. Sell them or imprison them. Imprisoning lords can have a large beneficial effect on long term wars and you don't lose relations for locking them up, so at times I will lock up lords even when I want high relations with them.
You don't recruit individual lords, but you can induce clans to defect to the kingdom you're serving as a vassal. There's no need to actually be king for that.
You do need to be rich, though; and the target needs to not be all that happy with his current king.