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Sadly snowballing is the normal in the current game...
But regardless, it's a known issue that this happens too quickly and the devs continue on implementing fixes to battle this so hopefully one day it will be properly balanced. Some features like rebellions are still missing as well, which might have an influence on kingdom balance.
Keep harassing and then capture cities and castles, it's extremly difficult to achieve it but it does a damage.
Next time try to keep an eye on any one kingdom that is getting too strong and deal with them earlier to prevent the situation from happening again.
https://www.nexusmods.com/mountandblade2bannerlord/mods/145
Also a trick I do is kill off all members of an enemy ruling Clan, except their weakest member and leave them alive as a puppet ruler. In my game for instance, Bolat a lvl 1 Lady is leader of the Khuzaits, she owns like 4 towns and multiple castles but can't even travel with more than 40 Troops at a time. Suffice it to say, don't think I'll be worrying about the Khuzaits anymore.
If you kill off an entire Clan their Towns/Castles etc get passed onto a new clan, hence why it's important to leave the weakest member alive until you're ready to kill all of enemy clans off.
Keep in mind though, Negative Reputation is incredibly easy to get and incredibly hard to get rid of. Best way to get it back is by beating them on the field of battle and releasing them instantly, but it's painfully slow. So I recommend just picking just a few Lords to be friends with and Executing anyone with negative reputation. (Except the weakest member of their clan, gotta have the puppets be in charge)