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The above information assumes you run your own server locally and not through some company like Nitrado - they use bargain basement equipment.
Verified all that. Even did a firmware upgrade on my router since I was rebooting it anyways. No dice.
But even ignoring all that I should still be able to connect via the local IP, and I can't.
Server firewall is completely disabled.
Well at least it isn't just me.
Just throwing this in here for anyone who was following.