guide for gauntlet

[super evil politics hater]

Fair warning, this will be a mess to read since I have no idea how to use any formatting that isn't in google docs.

Beggar Tier

From this point on I'm going to assume you understand the general armaments of each tier, since you likely have the maturity and peace of mind to enjoy this game even in all of its flaws.

For Fistplay, there are 3 strategies I mainly use
The first and most satisfying is to throw ridiculous hooks until your opponent goes down, the best way to do this is to hold right click instead of both mouse buttons, as you inch out a bit more reach with only one hand.
The second and my personal favorite is that gambler's martial art, where you constantly go in for kicks in hopes of breaking your opponent's leg, I call it gambling because with the jank this game has, it's not uncommon to fall over for no apparent reason, ESPECIALLY while kicking.
The third and (maybe?) most consistent is the MMA fighter, where you burn holes in your desk trying to hit enough good punches to knock your opponent over
The important thing to remember is that the objective isn't necessarily to knock unconscious, but to knock over, because it's easier to give a man brain damage when he can't do anything about it.

For spoilance, there are 2 (or 4 depending on your point of view) weapons you want to look out for, those being the candelabra and the oar.

The short candelabra is, for whatever reason, about as powerful as a mace at this tier, with the large one being equivalent to some sort of warhammer, and both are very easy to kill with so long as you stay within their effective ranges.

The oar has 2 varients, one that looks like a rectangle and one that's shovel-shaped, I find the shovel to be more reliable as it has a longer reach and a higher center of mass, but they'll both do for caving in a skull.

For carnage, there's 2 classes of knife you spawn with, toothpick and better, both are pretty easy to spot.
It's important to know that the toothpick knife can still work, mainly because the AI isn't that bright and rarely stabs without a polearm, if you stab an enemy with a toothpick, they always fall over from my experience, all that's left is dragging them on the floor until they give up their superior knife and cleaning up.

Finally, there's the big bad guy, I just call him Kyle because he probably likes avocados and pays in change.
The thing you want in this encounter is range, a large candelabra would be first class, but even a box oar or a smaller candelabra would do.
Unfortunately in my experience, running him down with a water shovel isn't conclusive to the right person crying for mercy, so we'll have to consult Elden ring and bait him into doing his signature overhead swing while dodging backwards at the same time. If you can pull this off consistently, then you should die much less in this encounter.
Killing him is pretty simple once you get the hang of his attacks, just whack him until his right arm breaks (if you break his left arm first, he becomes much more erratic and the axe remains just as sharp), or until he fills his helmet with the contents of his stomach.

Peasant Tier

When it comes to farming equipment, I'm pretty sure the entire community is divided between 3 of them: the axe, the hoe and the pitchfork.

The axe, as highlighted by Kyle, is unreasonably sharp in this game and doesn't take much real force to dismember a man, which will nearly always result in either his surrender, or his death. While this much is true for your peers in the peasant tier, the biggie boy has a scythe, which is also ridiculously sharp and has the unique perk of being obnoxiously long and somehow indestructible.

The hoe is like the axe, but with a horizontal twist, it takes more precision to use, but does inch out better than the axe, I also hear it's easier to use as a throwing weapon, but you're probably not here for trickshots. While the added range is very nice, what's not nice is the risk you take in missing, or more likely, hitting your opponent's weapon first. This is a huge problem when you face the biggie boy since the scythe is about a foot taller than you are, and so is he.

The pitchfork is basically a spear with a little jank. It's not very easy to stab at long range, but it's still a valid threat at a longer range than both the axe and the hoe, so this will be our weapon of choice for the peasant tier.

Don't play spoilance unless you were good at that in beggar tier, and don't pick carnage, as while it gives more points, you're more likely to get double teamed than to be a third wheel.

The pitchfork only has two real opponents, the axe and itself (AI Willies don't know the effective range of a hoe). To counter the axe, you can use the same tactic as used on Kyle, wait for an overhead, and much more effectively than a beggar, run the mongrel through. Against another pitchfork, however, the best thing you can do, in my experience, is deflect their weapon using left click, then immediately switch to a half-sword stance (right click), and either whack him, run him through, or wrestle.
It's important to know that if you want to stab someone, you need to hold left alt and NOT use your arms to stab, that will only throw you off target and get you split like lumber. Instead, hold your weapon in line with your opponent and charge, for most polearms, this is far easier to do in a half-sword stance since the center of mass is much closer to your hands. If you're stabbing with a sword, it's more risky and a little less reliable in my experience, but immensely satisfying when you do pull it off.

Against biggie boy, who I will refer to as cynthia because he's a prick, you'll want to use the same dark souls strategy as before, wait for cynthia to overswing and have you on the outside of his blade and try to stab him, anywhere works, hand, shin, ♥♥♥♥, knee, as long as you stick him and keep it there, he'll eventually go down. This could take a few tries since he'll probably knock you over on his upswing, but if that happens, you can just hold G to try again.

Commoner Tier

If you're like me, you'll want a longsword here, I prefer a longsword since I can use the same hands for blocking and whacking, so I'll be going over that. If you do opt for dual wielding, I'd recommend using a buckler with either a falchion or mace, because the AI Willies wielding those usually give me the most trouble
There is some nuance in the longswords available to you, and I usually find the thickest bastard sword to be the most reliable, but the best thing you can do for yourself is sample each one in free mode multiple times and see what you like best.

Spoilance is the same

I'll be talking about single combat longswording, since even in carnage, you shouldn't have to fight more than one person at a time and I have no experience with bucklers.
I really can't go over how to play with a sword in this guide since it's a muscle memory thing, but I can try to explain some techniques I use that are fairly effective.
Firstly, don't swing like it's a lightsaber, the swords are not omnidirectional and the dude you possess in this game can't align the edge fast enough.
Second, blocking is hard, if you can't parry consistently, then you can just step back and stick him while he's open.
It's also notable that stabbing is a little complicated with a longsword, as you don't generate much force with your arms and you have much less control over the blade than in real life. If you do end up in a great position for a stab, by all means go for it, but you could also use a half sword grip to more easily introduce your sword to their arteries.

The metal gear solid reference for this tier has a greatsword, which is a very big problem.
Unlike in real life, this dude is a giant and can blow right through a good portion of your attempts to guard against his swings, and even worse, he has more range than you. At this point, if you don't have a good feel for the game, this is where you need to develop one, once you understand this guy well enough, you'll know when to cut him down.
Do note that despite his menacing demeanor, he's just as fragile as every other Willie in the game.

I forgot the names

Gambeson tier

This tier has far more valid weapons than all the past tiers combined, but the one I find the safest is the billy hook. It is for whatever reason notably longer than all the other weapons in this game and can both stab and slash.

At this point, spoilance has been replaced by small buhurt, and I cannot recommend it unless you have a very beefy PC.

Your main strategy with a billy hook should be to stay out of reach, since the billy hook is so much longer and AI Willies don't seem to understand, it's easy to cut them down from a safe distance.

The champion here will be referred to as Oliver, because I wanted to pick a strong man name but there were too many silly or biblical figures named like that.
Oliver has what's probably the best weapon in this tier, I didn't recommend it because it's shorter than the billy hook, but it's still very effective if it gets in range.
Oliver also has some armor around his torso, so go for the legs, should you slice into him, you can keep the hook inside his leg and move backwards to either disable him or sever the leg completely.

Armor tier one

While you can still use the billy hook at this tier, there are more options that have varying pros and cons.
If you're able to make it this far, you likely have the skill necessary to judge on your own which weapons should be well suited for the task of can opening.
The first new option is (maybe) the war axe, it's like the normal axe, but bigger and shinier.
The second option and what I usually opt for is essentially a guillotine on a stick, it also has the added bonus of a spike on the end for mild stabbing.
Since this guide is based on my experiences, I will be going over the guillotine on a stick.

The Comically Large Razor (CLR for short) has a very similar playstyle to the billy hook, you outrange many Willies, but instead of cutting them gently or reeling them in like fish, the CLR has the sharpness and blade size necessary to cleave Willie in half.

The biggest difference from lower tiers has to be the armor, now Willies will spawn with either breastplates or armguards, both are very effective at protecting their respective areas from blades and most blunt damage short of a battering ram.
Thankfully, the tootses remain woefully undefended, and you can easily lop off a Willie's right leg to have him immediately surrender.
Alternatively, if you know your way around polearms better than I do, you could opt to decapitate a Willie, I'll let you decide.

The final guy for this section will be known as Puff, for reasons that may or may not be obvious.
He has a billy hook and armor on his front, including the legs.
You'll want to either get lucky, hit him in the head, or just wrestle him to the floor, there's not much advice I can give for Puff other than to continue the Dark Souls gameplay loop.

Veteran

This tier of armor covers pretty much the entire front side of a Willie's body, sometimes save for the waist or the collarbone, so finding gaps for your sword will be more difficult.

In my experience, I was too much of a ♥♥♥♥♥ to consider anything but the pocket guillotine.

Because of the newfound abundance of armor, your pocket razor will not be dismembering many standing Willies, so your new target will be the head, as giving a Willie a concussion is often conclusive to winning.

The senator armstrong for this tier will be known as Sundowner, because he shows off how bald he is.
Sundowner has a top-tier mace and an enormous shield, and is quite literally armed only up to his teeth, he had no budget for noggin covers.
Unfortunately, this weakness is a little bit difficult to exploit fully without an extent of knowledge about the game that I don't have, so all I can suggest is to outrange and go for the head.

Man at arms

This is the tier where sharp weapons go to die, as without competent owners, they simply cannot find the gaps in a Willie's armor enough to warrant not picking a hammer or mace.
Of course, since we're trying not to die here, the best option I thought of was the pole or warhammer depending on how much more I need to be autistic.

Now that you look like a knight, a new battle mode is unlocked known as brave stand, where you fight against 4 Willies of a lower armor tier than you. If you have a beefy PC, you can choose this option, it gives double the points for just about two thirds of the difficulty, they will pit you against farmers and serfs who simply don't have the resources necessary to kill, let alone wound you.

The boss for this tier is just guy with your loadout and better genetics, don't bump your head.

Knight

This is the final tier of armor, and renders sharp weapons completely useless to people like me who couldn't find a peanut butter jar in an empty shelf.
You have two real options, the mace or the big hammer, the hammer has more range and the mace can't assume a half sword stance, so we will be using the hammer.

The final boss for this tier has an axe and enormous shield, but since you're in full plate, you should be alright so long as you can get him in the head.

Baron

This tier foregoes single combat and sparring for a sort of wave survival challenge through the tiers, if you can reach this tier, you can probably make what you find work, the final boss is 9 feet tall and has potentially the best weaponry and armor in the game. Unfortunately, he is a simple Willie who doesn't understand the scale of his effective range, and if you can knock him down, you can win.

If you can do all of that, maybe you'll win. After all, this game is far from balanced or stable, you might find that you continue to trip over nothing or that you break your neck for seemingly no reason, if that gets to you very easily, or you just want to see what's at the end, you can tune the damage sliders to your liking, it's a singleplayer game and there's no shame in enjoying the aspects you like about it.

The most important thing you can do in this game is recognize whether it's your cup of tea.
If not, that's perfectly fine, but it's no excuse to be an ass to passionate developers who only want the best for their project.
Remember
it's just a game.

[littledifranco]

There is a much simpler srat to beat Kyle, you just grab the knife and stab him in the torso.

[super evil politics hater]

Originally posted by littledifranco:

There is a much simpler srat to beat Kyle, you just grab the knife and stab him in the torso.

I can see that, but I'm too simple minded to learn how to shank im.