Not Even One Bikini? Expedition 33 Misses the Entire Point of Fantasy Games

[Froz7y]

I finally played Clair Obscur: Expedition 33 and honestly it’s even worse than I imagined. No hot women anywhere. Like, legitimately zero. I’m running around these dusty, artsy-fartsy maps looking for one (1) good-looking woman in a bikini top and what do I get? Layers. Coats. Capes. Boots. Actual realistic clothing. Bro, I’m not playing video games for realism. If I wanted realism I’d go outside and pay taxes. Where are the chainmail bras? Where’s the girl with two giant swords bigger than her body and like negative armor stats? Where’s the respect for gaming tradition?

It’s so obvious the game is woke too. First you notice there’s no "standard issue hot sorceress", then you realize everyone’s designed like they’re auditioning for a grimdark French perfume ad. It's like the devs sat down and said, "How do we make sure no one has fun?" and then proceeded to remove all the basic human rights from gaming, starting with cleavage.

And the DEI agenda is leaking out of every pore, man. Like every party member is some checklist of demographics. "This one's the brooding sad girl, this one's the ambiguous magic gender, this one's the representation of economic inequality during the Third French Republic era," bro I’m just trying to hit monsters with a sword, not attend a sociology lecture.

Gameplay? Oh yeah it’s turn-based.
But not cool turn-based where you press attack and watch explosions. No, no, no. You gotta memorize enemy attack patterns, do perfectly timed parries, understand metaphysical constructs like "fear gauge" and "psychological fragmentation points," whatever the hell that means. I just wanted to whack a dude with a stick, bro. Why am I reading the Theory of Existential Dread in Nineteenth-Century Mechanics while trying to level up my stats? Whose idea was this?

Also let’s be real, this game is literally a French art school project disguised as a JRPG. You can tell because every background looks like an oil painting mixed with someone's midlife crisis. It’s like playing inside the mind of a guy who spent $300,000 on a philosophy degree and thinks a boss fight isn’t about dodging attacks but confronting your own fear of mortality. Amazing. 10/10. Exactly what I needed after a long day of touching grass.

And don't even get me started on the enemies. "Oooh look a nightmare creature symbolizing the loss of innocence." Bro, where are the goblins. Where are the skeletons with funny helmets. I’m fighting literal metaphors now. I swung my sword at "Despair Manifest" and it countered by lowering my character's Self-Worth stat by 40%. Like bro, is this a boss fight or my therapy session?

Look, it’s real simple. No hot babes = no sales. It's a rule as old as gaming itself. Clair Obscur is trying to be all artistic and sophisticated but forgot that 99% of gamers just wanna see big swords, big spells, and bigger waifus. This is basic game design. Sun Tzu literally said in The Art of War "always deploy the thicc mage first."

In conclusion this game is peak DEI woke nightmare fueled by people who hate joy. It's gonna flop harder than a magic carp out of water. Mark my words.
Also they should patch in bikini DLC. For diversity. Thank you.

[Keiq]

Nice opinion, all it is :)

Game is absolutely amazing, mine and 94% of everyone else's opinion.

[MachineGod]

Amen, time to bring up the real issues thank you Chad gamer

[dannyj147]

Nexus mods has that stuff covered. There's already a bunny suit for Lune.

[Crimsomrider]

The irony in this post is that the game actually does have bikinis for all cast members as unlockable outfits

[Null]

I think that Sciel is the most attractive woman I've ever seen in a video game... she looks a lot like one of my exes and it's kinda been making me miss her. q_q

[dannyj147]

Originally posted by Crimsomrider:

The irony in this post is that the game actually does have bikinis for all cast members as unlockable outfits

Lol I didn't know that. Own goal for OP then.

[Umbraburn]

Except the game does have Bikins lol, you have to unlock them.

[ObbyDent]

Imagine writing a novel length post because of your porn addiction and then it turns out the game has exactly what you want

[coffeekitkat]

Just wait bro, china will clone this game into souls-like-turn-based-gacha with semi-realistic character graphics. or play rise of eros for now.

Game is amazing but it really lacks accessibility options (No FoV, camera inertia/smoothing, etc, and options to turn-off blur without lowering the graphics).

The overworld and the turn-based makes them think its enough to classify it as JRPG when it's not. I haven't felt anything that this is JRPG on my playthrough.

But for real bro, I also want cosmetics in this game. Even Persona 5 Royal have those summer cosmetics. and I want to see gustave do a big elemental sword aoe big damage.

[SOAP!!!]

ur not even trying

[Serious Secare]

idk what you're talking about I have Gustave in a sexy leather thong right now

[Lintaur]

As someone that enjoys fan service costumes and crap, not every game needs to have fan service. Game has been a blast as is and you can just wait for someone to mod the outfits or whatever

[Vert]

Originally posted by Crimsomrider:

The irony in this post is that the game actually does have bikinis for all cast members as unlockable outfits

But they are completely ugly and boring. FF7 Rebirth's are much better.

[Moon Rabbit]

It's a shame you're so dedicated to the anti-woke life that you're just gonna let fantastic media pass you by.

[Tsi Aileron]

TLDR wahhh