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This game wasn't particularly good when it came out, but the co-op made it much more enjoyable and some of its clunkiness gameplay-wise more bearable.
To re-release an old game like this without putting in the effort to develop networking to make its local co-op online in this day and age is indeed pretty disappointing.
I understand Remote Play exists, but like OP said, it has its issues. Especially with those on slower internet speeds.
The only childish thing here is your comment
Bro are you 12? Id love it if the game has online co op but for the reasons stated it won't. Why are you so entitled?