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Make sure the server is friends only.
Yes, but you are in discord with your friends and talk to them, or? So you don't sit in the main menu, but go IN your world ... then you say your friend "I am online" ... now - cause you are IN the game, your friend see your world in the server list and can join, or?
well he did not say anything about discord i think, so not sure how many ppl communicate on there but he said friends usually they would be on your steams friends list. ppl afk would just be in the menu same like the real runescape, im js maybe his not logged into his server yet, especially when you play with them before, there server will always shows up. i played online ever sense it started so i never had a problem with my server not showing up while i'm in game. so that's kinda my opinion of what can be happening.