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This thread made me laugh so hard. Really well written, ty!
This "intro" really wasn't a good idea, maybe without vocals and just music it would have been better. I'd suggest to just lay down the headset get a coffee or something and then come back after the nonesense is over. If you ever intend to purchase it again of course ^^
This intro, I have no idea why it's there, has absolutely nothing in common with the game itself besides physics and graphics.
The intro music and the tape player are recurring themes in the game. It's debatable whether the music was a good choice (I absolutely loathe this kind of Japanese pop-rock music), but "nothing in common" is not accurate.
Another recurring theme is the waiting around. Sometimes things don't progress based on your actions, but based on some sort of timer, which sometimes makes these moments a bit drawn out or confusing (on first play through you won't know whether you have to do something to move things along or if you have to wait for something to happen).
But going back to the OP, honestly, not being able to at least sit through the intro is peak short attention span.