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for creating a wife and staring married, i think you need a mod for that. i know one is here : https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=2829316015
That mod is exactly what i'd be looking for, a way to create a spouse for the initial ruler.
Thanks for the help!
Create your character.
Select a vassal title or nearby title and create another ruler to be your partner (I think this would also work with creating an adventurer for you to marry, haven't tried this).
Then start as your ruler and marry them.