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Learned long ago to not attempt any war or fight any battle that I could not win if I couldn't do that while any ally ran around in pointless circles or fought battles they had no business putting a dog in that fight for.
Take the hit, lose the war, take the penalty for a hard NO to an ally, whatever you need to do to survive as a dynasty. Try not to make the same mistakes twice. Live and learn. Feel free to grouse at the AI and the game. The AI doesn't mind, it is not particularly bright in the first place, and the rules of combat - they can be learned, modded, or compensated for when they don't make a lot of sense to you - or anybody else. :)
It is generally good idea to not start wars you cannot win..
General advice for a General?
You can still gain legitimacy with just the base game, it is just harder.
Each DLC has ways that make it easier. Royal Court has 'holding court' (just sitting thru 3 events every few years grants legitimacy), Holding events from Tours & Tourneys grants legitimacy (and events can be held specifically to add legitimacy), Legends of the Dead adds funerals as events which grant tons of legitimacy (and legends which do as well but become crazy gold expensive).
Base game the two easier ways are winning wars and marrying 'up'. Just like marrying somebody beneath your rank costs you legitimacy if you are young, and have produced an heir, you can marry older (or outright death's door) availablle men/women with a higher rank than yourself and gain legitimacy. 2nd, 3rd, 4th in lines, wanderers, invite claimant folks. If you 'speed that death along', or they are 60ish, you can marry a whole string of them. If you have the the Legends DLC you can also hold funerals for them when they die for even more legitimacy.
War and marriage.
I like the DLC, but I wouldn't buy any of them just for legitimacy bumps. T&T adds the most to the game I think, Royal Court is a close second.
Or do they only do that with a DLC?
Can you hold one specifically for legitimacy + in the base game? I have always had the DLC from the beginning so do not know for sure what you can and cannot do.