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No, that's not how holy war works. Everybody of the same faith of the defender can join in regardless of alliances. Attackers stand alone or have to pay prestige to call their allies.
I get exactly the same when playing a crusader state.
I get exactly the same when playing anything that is different enough from my neighbours to allow holy wars. The AI just declares without any considerations. They start a war. get mauled, then are right at it again once the truce expires. My Vassals do the same. They have 500-1000 troops and declare a holy war for a county owned by a neighbouring ruler with 5000 troops. and allies all around. They get mauled instantly.
This wasn't bothering me when I was just trying random things but now I would like to actually play a game through to the end and it turns that fighting of holy wars is all I do. I am not even the only heretic ruler. Waldensian is big too and the african muslims encroaching on Rome. They really have more urgent matters to tend to then getting beaten up constantly.
If you want to do something big, then it is better you yourself are big to start with.
Where is the fun in that? If you start Big, empire and Dynasty usually exist already. It's like you're loading a savegame from someone who already finished the game.
You start small, become big, and do what a big can do.
I'm finding Holy Wars to be rather stupid. Starting in the earliest bookmark. Vikings are ridiculously OP at the moment and that means and Norse Paganism all but wipes out religions it comes into contact with. This sets off a chain reaction of low religious fervour, more heresies appearing, meaning less religious unity (except Norse Paganism of course), leading to few alliances with co-religionists, meaning counties switching left, right and centre through constant Holy Wars.
All the while, kicking back the Norse is night on impossible because they have lots of territory due to being OP and religious unity so they help each other all the time - it is impossible to dislodge if you are Western Europe and NOT Norse Pagan.
The various heresies as I said lead to constant border Holy Wars, leading to fractured realms of little to no power or religious cohesion meaning the Norse Pagans dominate.
Moral of the story - don't buy a game featuring Vikings that is coded by Scandinavians - they invariably overestimate the historic significance of Vikings in relation to the grans scale of the medieval era.