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The only other thing I can think of if you didn't find that drow anywhere despite looking in the correct location is that she may have moved to another room if you did something like cast minor illusion. On one playthrough I casted minor illusion while upstairs to divert attention so I could take out one of the spying things and that caused the drow to move up there permanently (until point of no return) but otherwise nothing else was affected with Astarion's quest.
I didn't meet a drow in the first playthrough because I didn't go to the moon towers without harpers, not because she went wild. And this did not affect the successful romance with Astarion in any way. I mentioned the drow because everyone writes on the forums that a meeting with her is necessary in some cases, but I say no.
I am bursting with hatred, because, again, the only difference is that I did not get the information from Raphael, but told it myself. What the hell?
I'm not sure how it was possible for you to successfully romance Astarion into Act 3 because yes, meeting with that specific drow and making certain dialogue choices will either make or break the relationship. If you don't meet or interact with her whatsoever, he'll break off the romance in Act 3. So are you in Act 3 now? Did Astarion say something about breaking up?
The other possible cause of triggering a breakup is following the rats in the shar temple and killing Lyrthindor before dealing with/killing Yurgir.