BG3: The Horny Bard’s Guide to Romance, Regret, and Bear Love

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zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz has Baldur's Gate 3

Apr 20 @ 8:42am

BG3: The Horny Bard’s Guide to Romance, Regret, and Bear Love

BG3: The Horny Bard’s Guide to Romance, Regret, and Bear Love

When Larian Studios said Baldur’s Gate 3 was all about player freedom, what they meant was: “Yes, you can seduce a vampire, have a deeply emotional one-night stand with a cleric, and also maybe sleep with a bear. You're welcome.”

Welcome to Faerûn, where every long rest is an HR nightmare, and your party members are one good persuasion check away from confessing their darkest trauma—or taking off their armor.

Consent Mechanics & Foreplay Rolls
In a world overrun by mind flayers, devil pacts, and flying intellect devourers, you might think romance would take a backseat. But no. This game said, “Let’s pause the apocalypse to check if Astarion’s into us tonight.”

Every flirtatious encounter in BG3 plays out like the world’s sexiest board game: you roll a die, pass the vibe check, and suddenly you’re being serenaded under the stars while Gale whispers about the Weave. It's wholesome, it’s awkward, and it’s exactly how dating in your 30s feels.

Everyone Is Thirsty and That’s Fine
There is no such thing as emotional unavailability in Baldur’s Gate. You could sneeze near Lae’zel and she’s like, “Let us mate before battle.” It’s not even subtle. Your companions are so aggressively down to clown, you start to wonder if the real curse isn’t the tadpole in your head, but the complete lack of personal boundaries at camp.

Still, it’s kind of sweet! Everyone just wants to be seen. And then maybe seen naked. Under the moonlight. With a few lines of tender poetry and a little bit of trauma bonding.

Yes, There’s a Bear Scene. No, It’s Not Illegal.
Let’s talk about the bear in the room.

Yes, one of your potential romantic partners can turn into a bear mid-coitus. Yes, you can go along with it. Yes, the game asks if you’re “really, really sure” before showing you the most uncomfortable druid-based intimacy ever animated. It’s not bestiality—it’s transformational love. Or at least, that’s what I’m telling myself to sleep at night.

Emotional Luggage with Benefits
Beneath the thirst lies real emotional depth. Astarion’s fear of intimacy, Shadowheart’s internal war between goddess worship and wanting to be kissed on the forehead—these aren’t just steamy campfire scenes. They’re tragic, nuanced stories wrapped in sexual tension and eyeliner.

One moment you’re making out with a Tiefling bard, the next you’re processing their childhood trauma. It’s like Tinder, but with swords and a higher body count.

Final Rating: 9/10, Would Emotionally Damage Myself Again
Baldur’s Gate 3 doesn’t just let you sleep around—it makes you feel things about it. It’s sexy, weird, uncomfortable, and sometimes romantic in the most “our trauma fits like puzzle pieces” kind of way. The real fantasy isn’t the magic or the dragons—it’s that everyone here wants to talk about their feelings and hook up.

In conclusion: 9/10. Lost a point for not letting me romance the Mind Flayer (yet).

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Showing 1-11 of 11 comments

armyissue69 has Baldur's Gate 3

Apr 20 @ 8:49am

Possible issue with today's youth... IT/Stuff/NOT You ; makes YOU FEEL stuff. Honestly, YOU are in control of YOUR own feelings.

I do feel like the meticulous details given to everything are setting a benchmark for future titles to overcome. I have been floored at the level of detail taken for this game AND, I was on the fence about buying it (didn't really like divinity series / coming from BG1/2) but, rather pleased I did.

Trip6tina

Apr 20 @ 9:03am

I love this.

Dave_El_Jefe has Baldur's Gate 3

Apr 20 @ 10:04am

All NPCs on this game are Playersexual

alanc9

Apr 20 @ 10:17am

Originally posted by zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz:

In conclusion: 9/10. Lost a point for not letting me romance the Mind Flayer (yet).

Keep playing

Harry.Taco has Baldur's Gate 3

Apr 20 @ 10:26am

LGBTblahblahblah comprises about 4% of the Global Population. Thanks for nothing Larian Studios.

seeker1

Apr 20 @ 10:49am

Originally posted by zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz:
BG3: The Horny Bard’s Guide to Romance, Regret, and Bear Love

I see somebody's a fan of Bard's Tale - the remake.

before showing you the most uncomfortable druid-based intimacy ever animated. It’s not bestiality—

Except that it isn't animated. If you say yes, ... there's a fade to black, and a squirrel drops their nut. However things are "bearing" out they are not shown onscreen.

I think your intentions here are good, or at least amusing, but ... you seem to be repeating things that people who've never seen the actual scene claim. (And to be clear, I've never romanced Halsin, but the scene is on youtube.)

One moment you’re making out with a Tiefling bard,

I wish somebody would tell me where this tiefling bard is. I haven't seen one since Haer'Dalis in BG2. I mean, yeah, I guess you can make one, but ...