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But my understanding is that this is how its meant to be. if you join mid game you're meant to pick a cast member or maybe a hireling. if you want to create your own character you have to all start the game together. the steps for which im told would be:
everyone joins the party together
host clicks new game
everyone makes their characters
everyone ventures forth
thats my understanding of how its meant to go. so what you say sounds normal to me
I think you also just have different expectations in general of how multiplayer focused this game is. This is more of a normal singleplayer RPG, that lets you invite friends to control your otherwise NPC party members. It is not a drop in / drop out multiplayer game, nor does the game or anything in it belong to anyone but the host.