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If you're asking which to romance ... well, I've tried both. Shadowheart's romance involves wine and skinny dipping. Lae'Zel's romance involves her first beating the sh*t out of you.
Takeyerpick. (Lae'Zel's gets better after that, it's just that rocky start.)
I heard they kill each other. Is that not the case?
You can have both. You can only romance one of them, AFAIK, or none, but not both. They MAY or may not eventually come to blows with each other and you may have to pick a side or talk them down. Its a one time 'maybe' though.
Both of these characters are on a journey of self discovery and maturation and they may be quite different people by the end of the game! Laz is young and a combination of brainwashed + naive. SH is also sort of brainwashed, a mix of that and a kind of stockholm syndrone + having her memory wiped (this is a mild spoiler but she tells you this early, like around the time you get to druid grove early, so meh).
SH likes all kinds of stuff. She likes it when you do anything sharish, which comes around later as you find more and more shar related story lines and historic sites etc. She also likes it when you do nice things, mostly, and she likes it when you trick someone (deception skill).
Some examples, you can get ++ points for both with nettie by agreeing to take poison. The both like it when you help the hopeless guy in the grove, the one losing a fight with a training dummy. SH likes it when you pet a dog. SH likes it when you keep Laz from interrogating the guy, but Laz hates that. Often one likes something the other hates it, but plenty of times they both like it or both hate it too. You need to get a feel for them.
- laz hates carebear stuff that sidetracks you from getting cured, and she hates it when you boss her around or do anything related to gith stuff that isn't by the book lich queen is great crap.
- SH likes carebear stuff, and deception to avoid fights or get stuff, and shar. She hates selune stuff, and being mean for no reason, and anything to do with the gith.
Makes sense that diplomatic efforts have something to do with the Charisma stat, no?
Won't that conflict with Halsin?
https://www.thegamer.com/baldurs-gate-3-laezel-shadowheart-fight-how-to-stop-guide/
So you'll see the step you need to take there for both to go back to their corners and stop fighting. (Reminds me of the forum sometimes).
Having Persuasion there can help (and CHA influences that).
Secondly, yes, Minthara and Halsin used to be exclusive choices. Larian changed that with Patch 5. Whether the current system for acquiring Minthara (and him) makes sense - well my position is no, but it's possible.
Noted.