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Idk if it's related, but did you get the scene where the other spawn try to kidnap Astarion at night (it updates the quest)? I went to Kazador's after that scene, then while inside the palace I checked whether Astarion has anything to say every now and then. After Kazador's been killed, I made sure all Astarion talk is exhaused before going to bed.
It's hard to say with this game's obscure cutscene priorities, but maybe missing the kidnapping attempt locked you out of the romance scene :\
Do you remember when that kidnap scene has happened? (Before/after which events it was in your case) Just to make sure about details of getting it in the future playthrough
The only thing that might be relevant is that I reached the Kazador's palace doors and the quest got updated with smth like "the doors unlocked, it seems we're expected" or some such thing. However, I did not enter but went about other quests. I finished many (most?) optional quests by the time I went on with Kazador, but I have not disabled the Steel Watch though and have not taken the submersible (I'm postponing the main quest).
I don't think this should matter though, you prolly should get the kidnapping scene after several nights in the city anyway.
Many thanks for such a thorough answer! I'll take it into account
One way to check if the game has progressed a romance is to click on Withers. He will tell you.
I had a scene in Act 1 and after that, during 2nd Act I almost always talked with Astarion as new voicelines open, trying to gain his approval all the time. Then in Act 3 I chose all 3 correct answers about Astarion's wishes/pecularities during conversation with fortuneteller (or whoever she was) at the circus square, which also make Astarion's approval higher. But I didn't have his kidnap scene and so after Kazador's elf didn't invite me to cemetery to have second scene with him
Other than that, I've seen people posting that Astarion's ACT 2 and 3 scenes are not triggering since the latest patch.