DND Jokes to pass the time!

[Mordiaky]

2 bards are standing on a bridge, when the first one emits a stinking cloud.
The second one says:
‘I didn’t know you could cast that spell!’
To which the first one replies:
‘I can’t…’

[✙205🍉🐆→]

Half-ork Paladin

[Dremall]

Man in a bar says: It's tough to raise a family.
Necromancer replies: Not if they're buried close together.

The barkeep asked why we carried weapons into his bar.
I said ‘Mimics.’
The party laughed.
The barkeep laughed.
The table laughed.
We killed the table. Good times.

[アンジェル]

Fourth edition of D&D was the best edition.

[RakiaTime]

Wyll


there is your joke

[✙205🍉🐆→]

How many druids do you need?
One, if he is a bear.

Originally posted by アンジェル:

Fourth edition of D&D was the best edition.

disgustingly

[Blackdragon]

All right, let us end this!

D&D jokes Paladin/Cleric/Holy

• Why do paladins prefer chain mail? Because it’s holey armor.
  
  
• Why don’t dragons eat paladins? Because they taste lawful.
  
  
• Why can’t a fallen paladin walk straight? He’s out of alignment.
  
  
• How many paladins does it take to change lamp oil? Only one, but they all want to.
  
  
• You know why people love healers? They’re the life of the party.
  
  
• How many clerics does it take to change lamp oil? Just one; to cast cure light.
  
  
• Did you here about the priests of the Dairy God? Apparently, they have the power to churn undead.
  
  
• Why can’t the undead write music? They can only de-compose.
  
  
• What’s the difference between religions and porcupines? Porcupines have pricks on the outside.
  
  
• Jesus saves. Everyone else takes full damage.
  
  Rogues
  
  
• What do you call a mountaintop guarded by rogues? A Sneak Peak.
  
  
• What do you call an entire party of rogues? Surprise Party.
  
  
• A sneak attack is a Jab Well Done
  
  
• Why do rogues prefer leather armor? Because it’s made of Hide.
  
  Classes
  
  
• A monk walks over to a street food vendor and says, “make me one with everything” and hands the vendor a gold piece. The monk gets her food and says, “where’s my change”? The vendor says, “change comes from within.”
  
  
• What do you call a group of bards all wearing plate armor? Heavy metal band.
  
  
• Why was the barbarian attempting to learn lightning magic? Because he was told he needed an outlet for his anger.
  
  
• Have you heard how barbarians play chords? Three or four of em each hold a note.
  
  
• Why do dwarven bards sound better by the candlelight? Because you can shove wax in your ears.
  
  
• How many wizards does it take to change lamp oil? Depends on what you want it changed into.
  
  
• Hear about the vegetarian oracle who refused to wear shoes, so her feet were hard and tough? She went through long periods of fasting, and as a result suffered from bad breath, and was very thin and lean. So, she was a super callous, fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
  
  
• Why did nobody trust the low dexterity wizard? Because he cantrip at any moment.
  
  Miscellaneous Races
  
  
• Why did the Tabaxi wear a dress into battle? Because she was Feline Fine
  
  
• Two half-orcs walk into a bar. The halfling walks under it.
  
  
• What do you call the advantage the undead gain from a necropolis? Wight Privilege.
  
  
• A warlock threw a teacup at me once... guess I should’ve expected it from a Tiefling.
  
  
• How many Elves does it take to light a candle? Three: one to sing, one to dance, one to summon the spiritual guardian of joyous flame forth into the realm of the material plane.
  
  
• Why was the werebat afraid to fly? Because every cloud has it’s silver lining.
  
  
• Due to the many hickeys he had given in his life, [Class] had gained a reputation as a bit of a necromancer.
  
  
• What do you call a halfling fortune-teller who escaped from prison? ... A small medium at large
  
  
• Two Orcs were eating a Court Jester. Said one to the other: "does this taste funny to you?"
  
  
• Long Fairy Tales have a tendency to Drag-on.
  
  Meta
  
  
• I once heard of a Druid who could wield swords while using wild shape. She had a right to bear arms.
  
  
• What happens if you step on a d4 die? You take 1d4 damage.
  
  
• A warrior walked up to a barkeep and said, “I need a new party!” The barkeeper gestured toward one group in the room, 6 elves, similarly dressed, sitting in a circle arguing. He then gestured to a group on the other side of the room sitting at a table sharing a meal, consisting of various races. The barkeeper asked, “Republican or Democrat?”
  
  
• Mary is working at the tavern when 4 individuals walk in. A dark elf wearing skull themed leather armor and covered in knives, a shapely human woman eyeing other women in the establishment lustfully, a man in a trench coat with a limp, and a large man in plate armor with a great battleaxe on his back. “Hey, Larry,” Mary yells to the back, “the new PCs have arrived.”
  
  Long
  
  
• It was a quiet day in Barrowdale when two wandering friars of Obad-Hai walk into town. After a few days, they set up their flower shop on Main Street. They grow the best, most beautiful flowers ever seen this side of the Prime Material, and sell them for next to nothing. Within days all of Barrowdale's wives are buying flowers from the friars, and Pete Wilson, the local florist, realizes that he will soon go out of business. Pete goes to talk to the friars and pleads with them to leave town. He says his children will starve, his sixth generation flower shop will close, his wife will leave him, and his dog will run away for good if the friars run him out of business. The friars bless him, but say that this is their duty in this life, and can't leave town. The next day Pete timidly walks into the local ale house to find Hugh McMillian: the meanest, rottenest, hooten-tootenist muscle-for-hire in the land. Pete talks with him for a short time and leaves 20 gold pieces poorer. The next day the friars of Obad-Hai go to their flower shop and find everything smashed, destroyed, and urinated upon. McMillian is standing in the middle of the wreck, walks up, grabs each friar by his collar, lifts them into the air, and says "If you two ain't gone by mid-afternoon, you two will be fertilizing these flowers back to health!" With that, he throws them accross the room, and strides out of the shop. Needless to say, the two friars leave Barrowdale without a moment lost. The moral: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
  
  
• A sorcerer has been permanently polymorphed into a frog by a vengeful wizard. The priest of the local temple charges him 5000 gp to have the spell removed. Lacking the necessary funds, the sorcerer decides to take out a loan from the local treasury. He enters the building, hops up on the empty teller’s desk, and jumps on the bell for service. A young woman comes out, with a nametag that reads "Patricia Whack". The frog (retaining his voice) calmly explains his situation, and asks for the 5000 gp. The teller says, "I'm going to need some collateral for a loan that large." The sorceror/frog spits out a small ioun stone, which begins spinning around the teller’s head. She says, "I'll have to clear this with my manager." So she walks into the back room, explains the situation, and points to the still-orbiting stone, asking, "What do you suppose this is?" The manager calmly replies...
  
  "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan."
  
  Enemies
  
  Q: Why did the zombie eat the archer?
  A: He wanted his bone and marrow.
  
  Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/DnD/comments/wvypw3/i_need_your_most_cringeworthy_dd_dad_jokes/

[アンジェル]

Necormancers, should not work their skeleton to the bone, otherwise the undead might demand a raise and stand up for their wights.

[Mordiaky]

An orc asks another orc
Orc 1: What’s the difference between an elf, and a trampoline?
Orc 2: I dunno
Orc 1: You take your boots off before you jump on a trampoline.

[Teddy]

Originally posted by ✙205🍉🐆→:

Half-ork Paladin

barbadin

[Mordiaky]

Orc 1: What’s the difference between a Wand of Cure Moderate Wounds and a Rod of Wonder?
Orc 2: I dunno
Orc 1: Well, I’m not gonna make you the party healer then.

[Lur Nen Rue]

2 Assassins decide to throw a surprise party to one another
they both lv 20 and that was centuries ago

[Mordiaky]

What do you call an orc with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

[Dreaming Prince]

baldurs back door 3

[Mordiaky]

How many dwarves does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to hold the bulb, four to drink ’till the room spins.

DM. The door is shut and locked.
Fighter. I kick the door down…
…DM. The door is unlocked.
Fighter. I kick the door down…
…DM. The door is ajar.
Fighter. I walk over to the door, shut it and kick it down.

[EricHVela]

True story but paraphrased...
Fighter to Paladin: "Stop acting all holier than thou."
Paladin: "But I am holier than thou."
Cleric: "I think I'm more holy than both of thou."
Rogue: "After that last fight, I have more holes than any of you. So again, please someone heal me!"