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phobeisu i hope you get graped in your phobeiusssy

mr ballsack i wish you to shoot yourself

I, a pigeon, was raped
I never thought I'd be sharing my story on Reddit, but here goes. My name is Puddles, and I am a pigeon. I had a traumatic experience today that I just can't seem to shake off.
I was innocently flying around, looking for some crumbs to snack on, when I landed on this man's balcony. Little did I know that this man was a monster. He started screaming and foaming at the mouth, and I could sense that something was off. He grabbed me and dragged me into the bathroom.
What happened next is too gruesome for words. He undid his trousers and started violently raping me. I tried to fly away, but his grip was too tight. I couldn't believe what was happening. The worst part is that he was enjoying it! The pleasure he was feeling was sickening.
After he was done, he released me and I flew away as fast as I could. I don't know if I'll ever recover from this. I'm so traumatized that I don't even know if I'll ever be able to fly again.

I've been noticing an unusual trend in the quality of Snickers bars over the last decade. I found an old one from 5 years ago and decided to study its composition under my spectrometer and discovered something unnerving. The Snickers bar currently sold in stores contains 43.67% less rare earth elements by weight, when compared to one sold 5 years ago. Do they think they can fool us? It's hard to wrap my mind around why they would do this. Thorium used to make up 12% of the bar, but now it's at 8%, and now there's only 4% Americium compared to 7% just a while ago. It's all been replaced by organic carbon-based matter, like sucrose and poorly crafted carbohydrates. I'm disappointed in the Mars corporation, and I hope my findings will gain enough publicity to force Mars into reverting back to the old formula. Consider this an open letter.

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