"Sorry if I ruined your expectations and your opinion of me"
"If we're going with exasperated titles then call me (Ventura), ex auto detailer, current pizza guy, possible lord in Scotland, and professional bomb defuser"
"Can I go one week without nearly dying or getting injured somehow?"
"You're not getting over the nickname of 'Papi Thunder-Boots,' are you?"
“I mean it’s weird and it’s off topic, but I’m also weird and off topic”
"I just want a woman in full plate armor to romantically hold me"
“I’d disagree with that because legally I’m worth $55”
"Bewildered beyond the comprehension of Michael Sheen"
“Prepare for hell and do your job”
"It takes someone who doesn't think highly of themselves to call them self a practicing alcoholic in a serious manner. I would know I've done it twice now"
"Ah yes, the armor plating section for military motorized vehicles, located next to the clothes isle in the Soup Store"
"Life tip: Don't get car bombed, it's not fun”
"Ok well you have fun with your ever increasing number of defused car bombs while I go ahead and get circulation back in my legs and pass out"
"Listen, I appreciate your reflexes, but I don't appreciate the internal bleeding"
"So what if I want to go on adventures throughout the galaxy using weird pool portals with an FN P90 and MacGyver?!?! It sounds like a good time to me!!"
"Give me back my blanket you meta physical bastard"
"I'm so stoned on that 2am 7-11 sushi pot of greed kush that even my MP3 player is high"
"My response to that is a native electric pow wow band that started in Seattle, bet you didn't see that coming"
“No wonder she’s not into me, she’s a Norse God”
"Don't make me bring out a map of ore deposits in Oregon from 1975"
“I love that people can just agree I look like I lost my daughter in the custody battle”
"Do you have a license for that smoothie?"
"I'll be taking that to your grave"
"And here I thought we kept you around for your dashing looks, funny commentary, and pizza making skills"
“If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic”
“Now the sandwich is teaching science”
“I feel like I should inform you that your shoulder is currently impaling my neck”
“I think I’m the only one in here who’s actually been in a school bus crash”
“You look like a walking lawsuit”
“I still think they should put divorce papers in the glove box of new F250s”
"-but we're not here to talk about neo-psychedelic bands from the 1990's-"
"Why does 'Walmart mercenaries' sound like a real thing?"
"WHO'S THE INBRED, 4FT TALL, DIRT BRAIN, MEATBAG FARMER WHO HIT ME WITH A SHOVEL?!?"
"Crayons are a helluva drug"
"Luckily this was after I got banned from the Carl's JR."
"Happy Birthday, from the Ex-Hotdog Cart Guy"
"I'm spitting news and I'm confused, and I'm all out of news"
"Don't ♥♥♥♥ with me, I got a friend at the patent office and a lawyer by the name of Gaul Soodman"
“Nothing like living next to a creamery and not getting used to talking to people your age until 3rd grade"
“I will defend Alpha with my life! If I am to be married it will be in this room!!”
“Two Subarus, one tired auto detailer, and a Private Investigator named Greg Jr.”
"Its J. Jonah Jefferson Jimmy Johnny Jr. and Sr. thank you very much"
“Hey, wanna trade cars? That’s too nice of a car to die speeding in”
"Try adding gravitational anomalies, volcanic activity, and mountains to the mix and it gets more exciting"
“I forget whose blood is on my face”
"Wildlife photography has more drifting cars than you'd think"
"That was a lot of effort for a joke about 2 nickels"
“You can meet Jisos down by the crick”
“The bar is so low it’s a tripping hazard in hell”
“Did you just describe my camera's functions using anime as a reference?”
“My internal monologue desires more jazz”
“The Porsche Gods were upset that a poor person touched a Boxster and demanded a blood sacrifice. I did my best not to bleed all over the car”
"How about I just say people have already given me a waifu, I tell you who she is, and we move on?"
"It's closer to 8.9 meters a second, don't come at me if you didn't do the homework"
"That's a bilingual duck"
"Its radioactive but californianized"
"I didn't know I was that much of a distraction!"
"I want a female knight in shining armor to platonically or romantically carry me across a river"
"Johnny Cash is the John Wayne of country music"
“jok got di big mussles and playes the fooootbull”
"Wow, your schizophrenia medication worked so well you disappeared for a week"
“Step dads can be redeemable, minivans can never be redeemed”
"AND THE FBI'S GOT ME ON ESPIONAGE CHARGES BUT DON'T BELIEVE THEM, THEY'RE ONLY HALF TRUE"
“I tried to explain Richard Burton’s disembodied head doing a narration above the stage of a musical rendition of War of the Worlds to some people but it’s just a rather odd concept”
"Are bowling balls contagious?"
“Context will be like some of my friends' dads and not there to support this”
“They took my wife in the divorce. Just like how they took my divorce in the divorce”
"You know, if you think about it I got paid by the government to take pictures of men strip dancing"
"Military grade striptease"
"Mothman is a cultural icon and shall be protected with lethal force"
“I know it looks and smells like we dragged a dead whale across the shop but…”
“They have hot chocolate chambered in .50ae”
"WHAT ELSE DID YOU EXPECT FROM A 40 YEAR OLD WHITE SUBURBIAN MOM NAMED DRAKE?!?"
“You have to remember I consider 20 foot trees twigs”
"Hold on, let me add you to some government watch lists"
"♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, what kind of melichary am I about to hear now?"
“Alright time for skeleton puns and me running around with a gallon of milk”
“I’m fighting primordial soup gods”
“Straws are a gateway drug”
“For me it started with my introduction of jazz and ended with me causing thousands of dollars in property damage”
"No, you need to do the right illegal things"
"You clean child snot on windows the same way you clean dog slobber. With glass cleaner, 4 ought steel wool, and regret"
“ITS A POST MARGARITAVILLE MIRACLE”
"No, its not alcohol mixed into a pizza, that's for the customers to do off in the corner"
"Anyways, met a human wendigo and honestly his wife was worse than he was"
“I’m used to that, I’m the utility friend. Need someone to give you a ride? Call (Ventura). Need to find a bald eagle or golden eagle nest? Need to find coyotes or turtles? Call (Ventura). Need someone to help paint your house, clean something up, help move, or do demolition work? Call (Ventura).”
"WHY ARE SO MANY PEOPLE INTERESTED IN MY ASS?"
"Ozzy Ozborne's driving this gravy train"
"Everything about me is an interesting choice"
“Once again I’m better at throwing axes than I am shaving with them”
“Want to get lost in the McDonalds play place after dinner?”
“I made better cocktails back in freshman year”
"You have angered the trees, now the wrath of the gazebo comes"
"I got a group of kids obsessed with the phrase 'wobble your knees' after a very weird explanation of what a girl did to me"
“Oh, so that person was growing basil in their Chrysler”
“Alrighty, come here ya metaphysical trainwrecks!”
"So I'm a conversation piece to them, they were trying to figure out what my dream girlfriend looks like"
“There’s a good chance if you started digging under your basement you’d find a vein of uranium”

"I just know that that there's a higher chance of me ending up a sewer dweller wearing Russian Cold War stuff than ending up with a girlfriend"
"FERMENT THE RAINBOW. TASTE THE RAINBOW!!!"
“You want to talk about a real cult? Let’s talk about Lord Daddy Farquad”
“I am the kind of person to carry bacon in their pocket”
"-And not to mention the Floridian Milf wanting my attention-"
"I don't need anthropomorphic cowboy boots"
“Just because I took Driver’s Ed and drove heavy machinery when I was an infant doesn’t make me the best driver either”
“So I tried VR for the first time while listening to a guy give ASMR about ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ his pants”
"Ya know, you take me to the nicest of places, like the Walmart parking lot where we're changing your windshield wipers"
“You all thought I gave you drugs, but you were already on them apparently!”
"I've seen this before, we're going to need a fire extinguisher, a pair of fuzzy dice, a rubber chicken, a can of hair spray, and a bic lighter. The rubber chicken is a fear tactic"
“I have two bottles of unlabeled Sprite and a thing of rubber cement in my backpack. What could go wrong?”
"I hate Kentucky, why would I go to that fried ♥♥♥♥ of a state"
"A kawaii cosplayer? At this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely in the food court of a hardware store?”
"Looks like this pizzeria ain't big enough for the two of us, and I don't know about you but I work here"
"I've never been called a carbon monoxide detector before"
"I don't know how I feel about small children yelling 'FATHER!!' to get my attention in public"
"Consider me a single-use carbon monoxide detector because I'm dying from the burner"
"We're in the same boat as them, and that boat is sinking"
"You've heard of nomenclature, now get ready from gnomenclature"
"Buy the brick dinner first"
"That's equivalent to 56 sticks of butter"
"God's sins outweigh your own, eat more cheese bread"
My intelligence will always be up for debate
"1983 called, they want me back"
“I will take up religion to tell you no”
"If you think you need help, I start talking about Native American cryptid facts with someone waiting for their boyfriend to get a beer"
“Never have I ever been shot at by Californians with muskets”
"(The yearbook teacher) still needs to bribe me for my work"
“Afraid I’m only aware of what happened to Mr. Cheeseburger, the younger, Texas version of myself”
"I wonder what else Robo-Reagan would do"
“If you’re going to do that please do it in front of someone with a gun so they can shoot me”
"All I have is the faceless woman in my dreams who holds me and tells me it'll be ok"
"I went from watching youtube to looking at bags of misc jewelry from Florida and haunted amulets in the shape of an eye"
“I could be the anime protagonist of a rom com except the concept of the show is how me and my soon to be girlfriend are constantly barely missing meeting each other”
"To go menus are not napkins"
"The extortion charges aren't going to stick, ♥♥♥♥♥♥"
"You see, you have a love triangle going on with bacon"
"I mean if you think about it cinnabar sounds like cinnamon so what have I got to worry about?"
“I still remember what it feels like having a vertebrae come out of its socket”
“This is somehow not the first time a teacher has parked their car on the side of the road to say hi to me”
“Don’t worry, I’ll bounce. It might be down a staircase but I’ll bounce”
“I’ll do my best to make sure you don’t read my obituary tomorrow”
“Also it’s because of Shakespeare that the communist party formed at my old high school”
"Yea I was wondering if it was (my phone) going off but it wasn't and I found yours in my wall"
“Ok this guy’s rude, like genuinely I don’t like him (grabs bottle of rum that was in the center console) HE DIDN'T LEAVE ENOUGH TO SHARE!”
“A sign from god or from the methhead down the street?”
“If you lose your arms I call dibs on them!”
“I’ve known millionaires with crappier houses”
"HOT DAMN I'M A SALAD MAKING MADMAN"
“Here I was thinking Subarus were from Norway”
"If you don't leave in two weeks I'm packing you into a suitcase myself and mailing you to New Mexico"
"Now I don't want to sound rude, but it really feels like these pizzas are compensating for something"
"I got stabbed by the meat stick again!"
"This reminds me of the Emo Narwhals"
“I’m just going to go home and fantasize about what it’s like to be in a loving relationship”
“I join your FOB and all of a sudden I have a kid and the Chinese called me, what have you done?”
“‘Life is short, lick the bowl!’ is not something you should say in your bathroom”
"I wasn't going to let the water demon have my hat!"
"It's a mystery I'm still breathing, does that count?"
"Come up here and get your knife because I have a way of safely licking uranium"
"Turns out my recommendation for when you have to carry a pizza up a ladder is to shoot it with a shotgun to make it fly"
“I've had better interactions with a screwdriver”
“My luck with bad jobs is I get hired the same day, my luck with good jobs is they never call back”
"If he's not crying within the next 30 seconds you're fired
"Unless you consider me embellishing myself for a resume fanfiction, at which point I'M WRITING A LOT OF FANFICTION"
"Why am I the only person on this shift that eats breakfast?"
"This is somehow the 2nd time I've had people ask if they can live in my basement"
"I'm hunting cannibalistic swamp-folk-rednecks and you can't stop me"
"If you're not careful I'll let Vlad's Babushka bomb your bushka"
“I want to file a restraining order against her, not sit in a car with her for over 10 hours”
"I'm not a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Pokemon"
"I have been told I have the memory of an old man and the friendship circle of a 40 year old bachelor”
"Is listening to you sing a qualification for hazard pay? Because it certainly feels like it"
"Praise the lord and pass the pasta, we're going to church"
"Call me senile, cause I've forgotten who my grandkids are and I don't know how I got here"
"Excuse me ma'am, but there is currently a sawblade in my gut. Could you please get out of the way?"
"Can you ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ stop talking about giving birth to lobsters and get register?"
“I thought I was an auto detailer, not a ranch hand!”
"Do you wish to caress the pelican?"
"(Service dog) kinda had a rose petal in her mouth when she tackled me and it landed on my shirt"
"Fruits and vegetables are social constructs, nature doesn't care"
“So you walked past a Church of Scientology and thought about me so you called me?”
"You ever want to put 6 VTOL jet engines on a Boeing 747 along with a couple of rocket pods to make the largest VTOL on the planet just to cruise around doing whatever?"
"Want me to get Obama to sign the petition?"
"Also if it wasn't obvious enough I've been basically hit by a 2016 Ford F150 XLT XTR 4x4 SuperCrew Cab with a 9ft bed, lift kit, tinted windows, and factory issue custom exhaust system"
"I've been called a himbo at least twice in the past month"
"If it happens again he better learn how to yell at me, because he wasn't doing it right the first time"
"So you're saying that grabbing Fruit Loops wasn't the correct response to 'I've been shot'?"
"So I put another layer of ozone in my car"
"She asked me if I was hiding any sandwiches on me last time I saw her"
"If fully stocked, the only thing this store would have more of than AR-15's would be cowboy cut jeans"
"We need to check the tomatoes for steroids"
"Guess it's time to murder some Swedish Death Robots from Murderville, Sweden"
"-my Grammy-Nominated middle school band teacher-"
"Sorry, we're discussing the intricacies of pumpkin bread"
"It's like an egg is stabbing me from the afterlife"