In the space year 20XX, the entire world's supply of milk appears to have "ran dry". This would suggest to me that sometime in the future all form of breasts will become either extinct or outlawed and force us to look elsewhere for our creamy goodness. As luck would have it for our kitty chums, though, "deep under the ocean, vast amounts of what appear to be naturally forming full fat milk were discovered". Don't ask me how the milk is now lying under the ocean. Perhaps all the world's mammaries will migrate to below the surface to escape danger or persecution in the future? Either way I guess it's only natural that boobs would eventually start heading downwards with the passage of time. But however they got there, the kitties are determined to get it out and launch an operation to mine it and send the milk gushing back forth into the world once more. But it's not a task without peril for our hungry kitties as they're attacked by unknown enemies who try to kidnap the underwater miners and keep all the lovely, delicious milk for themselves. "OH NOES!", cries the kitty captain. Oh noes, indeed. So out sets a brave pilot to shepherd the miners and destroy the threat, keeping his furry brethren in one piece and saving the world's milk(/boobs?) in the process...

If anybody says the story is dumb then you and me are gonna step outside and have words, alright?! Anyway, on with the review.

In Aqua Kitty - Milk Mine Defender, you'll pilot a small, one-man sub... one-cat sub? Whatever. You'll pilot a sub through stages that loop around on themselves and are no higher than the height of the screen, shooting waves of enemies until all have been wiped out while taking care not to lose all of your miners who walk the surface (as long as one is kept alive you're fine). Additional enemy types are gradually introduced as levels progress and power-ups are occasionally dished out to help your efforts. Its basic formula is simplicity itself, and in that comes so much of its addictive appeal and accessibility as the game sinks its claws into you and doesn't let go.

It isn't exactly laid out this way, but essentially there are three modes in the game. There's the standard style of play (available in easy and normal difficulties) where your progress is saved and failing a level means simply restarting it at any point from a map screen, while power-ups are temporary and don't carry on through stages. There's Arcade Mode, which sets you the challenge of making it through all 25 stages with one life, but with power-up drops being replaced by gems which can be used to purchase upgrades which do carry through stages but are also degraded with each hit you take. And then there's Infinite Espresso mode (also available in easy and normal) where you have to make it through as many waves as possible with one life and very limited power-ups, but at least with no miners to worry about.

There's a slight retro, SNES era style about the look of the game, complete with "chunky" sound effects and some outstanding music that never gets old and even manages to stay lodged in your head long after you've finished playing. Some people have commented about the game being too difficult. I don't really play many side scrolling shooters like this, and wouldn't consider myself especially gifted at them or anything, but I can't say I had all that much trouble with it. There were a few problem stages, sure, and achievement hunters beware, unless you have the twitchy reflexes of a ♥♥♥♥♥-up cat with Tourette's on his fifth can of Red Bull then you're gonna have a ball-achingly hard time getting 100%. But to just complete the game and get most of the experience this has to offer, the rest of us mere mortals should do just fine.

I think it says a lot that even 30 or so hours into this game, no matter how many times I died I still more often than not had a smile on my face and rarely did I ever feel the game was cheap or unfair (maybe aside from the red, grabby b*astards that steal your miners. THEY SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO FIRE! I swear I get nailed by their single, slow shots more than anything else). The hours easily flew by without me noticing and I found I had to stop myself from carrying on anymore trying to beat the harder challenges. If that's not a glowing recommendation for anything then I don't know what is. If I had any complaints it would be that sometimes your sub doesn't feel quite as sharp or responsive as you might like in some of the tighter spots. And while it's perfectly possible to play with a keyboard, I'd strongly advice using a controller. But otherwise, I loved almost everything about this game. Oh, except the fact they had a cat piloting a ship and didn't call him Commander Kitty... I'll never be able to forgive them for that.

In the space year 20XX, the entire world's supply of milk appears to have "ran dry". This would suggest to me that sometime in the future all form of breasts will become either extinct or outlawed and force us to look elsewhere for our creamy goodness. As luck would have it for our kitty chums, though, "deep under the ocean, vast amounts of what appear to be naturally forming full fat milk were discovered". Don't ask me how the milk is now lying under the ocean. Perhaps all the world's mammaries will migrate to below the surface to escape danger or persecution in the future? Either way I guess it's only natural that boobs would eventually start heading downwards with the passage of time. But however they got there, the kitties are determined to get it out and launch an operation to mine it and send the milk gushing back forth into the world once more. But it's not a task without peril for our hungry kitties as they're attacked by unknown enemies who try to kidnap the underwater miners and keep all the lovely, delicious milk for themselves. "OH NOES!", cries the kitty captain. Oh noes, indeed. So out sets a brave pilot to shepherd the miners and destroy the threat, keeping his furry brethren in one piece and saving the world's milk(/boobs?) in the process... If anybody says the story is dumb then you and me are gonna step outside and have words, alright?! Anyway, on with the review. In Aqua Kitty - Milk Mine Defender, you'll pilot a small, one-man sub... one-cat sub? Whatever. You'll pilot a sub through stages that loop around on themselves and are no higher than the height of the screen, shooting waves of enemies until all have been wiped out while taking care not to lose all of your miners who walk the surface (as long as one is kept alive you're fine). Additional enemy types are gradually introduced as levels progress and power-ups are occasionally dished out to help your efforts. Its basic formula is simplicity itself, and in that comes so much of its addictive appeal and accessibility as the game sinks its claws into you and doesn't let go. It isn't exactly laid out this way, but essentially there are three modes in the game. There's the standard style of play (available in easy and normal difficulties) where your progress is saved and failing a level means simply restarting it at any point from a map screen, while power-ups are temporary and don't carry on through stages. There's Arcade Mode, which sets you the challenge of making it through all 25 stages with one life, but with power-up drops being replaced by gems which can be used to purchase upgrades which do carry through stages but are also degraded with each hit you take. And then there's Infinite Espresso mode (also available in easy and normal) where you have to make it through as many waves as possible with one life and very limited power-ups, but at least with no miners to worry about. There's a slight retro, SNES era style about the look of the game, complete with "chunky" sound effects and some outstanding music that never gets old and even manages to stay lodged in your head long after you've finished playing. Some people have commented about the game being too difficult. I don't really play many side scrolling shooters like this, and wouldn't consider myself especially gifted at them or anything, but I can't say I had all that much trouble with it. There were a few problem stages, sure, and achievement hunters beware, unless you have the twitchy reflexes of a coked-up cat with Tourette's on his fifth can of Red Bull then you're gonna have a ball-achingly hard time getting 100%. But to just complete the game and get most of the experience this has to offer, the rest of us mere mortals should do just fine. I think it says a lot that even 30 or so hours into this game, no matter how many times I died I still more often than not had a smile on my face and rarely did I ever feel the game was cheap or unfair (maybe aside from the red, grabby b*astards that steal your miners. THEY SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO FIRE! I swear I get nailed by their single, slow shots more than anything else). The hours easily flew by without me noticing and I found I had to stop myself from carrying on anymore trying to beat the harder challenges. If that's not a glowing recommendation for anything then I don't know what is. If I had any complaints it would be that sometimes your sub doesn't feel quite as sharp or responsive as you might like in some of the tighter spots. And while it's perfectly possible to play with a keyboard, I'd strongly advice using a controller. But otherwise, I loved almost everything about this game. Oh, except the fact they had a cat piloting a ship and didn't call him Commander Kitty... I'll never be able to forgive them for that.